New Blog

I deleted my hotmail account, and I can't figure out how to merge this onto my gmail, so I just made a new blog. Find it here.

It's 5AMish, & I Feel a Little Emo

My iPod is dying. It's been a good 3 1/2 years, so I can't really say that I'm... disappointed in it. I frankly expected it to start dying a lot sooner. But despite its many hours of service, I'm still annoyed to all hell at it. No sir, Mr. Classic iPod, you're not getting any sympathy from me! Your constant pausing and refusal to play continuously for more than half an hour is crossing the line, no-sir-ee! I'm gonna do what I should've done years ago! What's the newest generation of Sony players...

So I'm considering buying a Sony 8gb for about 60-70 bucks. I hardly used a 10th of the Classic iPod's storage, so I won't notice the size difference. A lot of reviews comment on the relatively small user wheel, but I'm sure that after a few months, I won't even notice the difference. Plus, this product has an FM tuner, which is something I'm actually looking forward to having in a portable player again. Maybe it's the old fuddy duddy in me, but I enjoy listening to hours and hours of commercial laden music, with playlists that boast hardly any variety and that contain songs with less lyrical content than most elementary school haiku.

... wait, no, but I'm being serious about liking the option of having an FM tuner. Real talk, real talk!

Still job hunting. Clerical positions have rather stringent requirements, which seems a bit silly, considering that a good chunk of those positions don't pay particularly well. I suppose in this economy, companies can afford to be a bit choosier and pay less, since the demand for jobs is so high. I'm considering doing a 2 job stint and just murder the free time for a while until something better comes my way. Hopefully I can land a job somewhere soon. This lack of real purpose behind my life is starting to get to me. My sleep schedule is entirely out of whack, I'm starting to feel listless, I still have bills to pay and debts to get rid of... Bleh.

I should look into getting an unpaid internship, and just get my foot in the door, but I need the revenue. I can't really justify working for free to myself... but then again, I'm barely employed right now. What would an unpaid internship really do to my current situation except eat into my gas bill a bit more?

Bleh. Gonna job hunt a bit more online before falling asleep.

Family Reunions, Colorado, and the Job Hunt

It's 2011, and I have yet to find myself a stable career. I have to put myself out there more, and do it more aggressively, but I'm finding myself somewhat unsure of what it is I want to do. A steady source of revenue is key, but as much as I joke about not caring about what sort of job I get, it does gnaw away at my mind. I want to find work in an industry where I can care about what I do, but what is that exactly? Immediate answers like the music or gaming industry come to mind, but how do I get in on the ground floor? It's hard enough to get basic entry levels with my background, but to venture into the entertainment industry, which is notoriously underwhelming in terms of pay and treatment, and is harder to break into without the right connections and experience... sigh. I should have gone into CS in college from the get go.

Visiting Andrew for a week in CO. It's such a beautiful place, with a crisp, clean feel that I could never quite find in MD. The people aren't as... diverse, but they all seem fairly friendly and open. I could see myself coming around here more often, just to gawk at the outdoors and revel in the feeling of... different. It's not loud here, there aren't any social obligations, it's... it's just nice here.

The 2011 Family Reunion was... messy, to say the least. Terrible health news caused a lot of stress for one branch of the clan, and saw their premature departure. Brother woes invoked a wave of migraines and other stress-related issues for me. Underage pregnancy was another hot button topic. On that subject, it feels so... surreal, seeing this girl that I remember as this little rugrat, now showing signs of a baby bump. Family as a whole is doing what it normally does when it comes to touchy issues like this, but the cousin in question seems to be taking it in stride, as well as she can. I feel for her and her situation, but I need to be in a better situation before I can think of helping her with her's.

There's also a small possibility that I could see how my niece and nephew are doing, and that... it's something that I tried not to think about, since their father wasn't able to be a part of their lives. I grew convinced that their roles in my life were over as soon as the messy divorce happened. But... just the thought of seeing them, even if only through photos... my nephew's a teenager now, with his sister chomping on his heels. It's... I felt a rush of emotions just hit me when I heard about this possibility. I don't know how to even describe it. I only really knew them through stories my brother told me, and I've only ever seen them, held them a couple times when their parents were still together. But the idea that there's blood that I haven't seen in more than a decade, blood that I was supposed to care for, as an uncle... it really digs deep.

Sigh.

SIGH.

EMO POST SIGH.

I'm coming close to breaking...

As the years go by, I'm starting to see more and more of the missteps, and I'm making a mad dash to shore up all the deficiencies, but everything I've relied on, everything I've built up, they're all collapsing around me, and I don't know if I even want to try to hold on.

I'm a terrible friend, unable to keep my own pain out of my social interactions. It floats to the surface, and it hurts those around me. I see it happen, but I'm so consumed by self-pity that I don't even bother to stop it. I become spiteful, and look for the littlest reason to lash out, because I can't handle the happiness of those surrounding me. I see the errors, but I just let it go, because I can't control the few things in life that I WANT to control. It feels like I've given up, and it's somewhat worrisome that I'm not any more concerned than I already am.

I've spent so many years trying to help him, but the effort's always been halfhearted. His pain, his sorrow, his need for comfort defines me as a person. I can't imagine myself as having grown up happy, as being happy. I've shaped my existence around his flaws, his legacy, and it feels too ingrained in my mind to change now. I suppose I enjoy playing the victim, set upon by his burdens, my burdens by proxy. It gives me something to live for in life, acting as the lifeline that can never quite pull in the hapless victim, but helps to keep them afloat for a little while longer. It sets me apart from my peers, in it's own small, insignificant way. It sounds idiotic, but I feel unique, even though I use my brother's shadow to define myself.

I know I shouldn't let personal matters affect my social standings, but it's getting so hard to keep the two separated.

Stray Thoughts

Write what you know.

It's 5:36 in the morning, and I'm still awake, gingerly pecking away at the laptop while the window shades allow the first rays of sunlight to seep through. I'm still awake because... because I want to recapture those brief moments of... I can't even describe it. My mind's so muddled, and everything just seems so impossibly difficult to explain in words, but...

It was so much easier when I was writing for you.

What am I, without you.

A Sense of Relief

// The future's hardly set, and the paths ahead of me are so clouded and unsure, but this sense of relief filling my very core is something that I can't seem to shake. For the first time in a long while, I can say that I feel happy. Hopefully the grades for this semester won't rob me of this high... ^_^ Here, have some Jane Lui. Good for the soul. \\

No job lined up, no relationship, no real plans for the future aside from some vague aspirations, not even the guarantee of a passing semester, and yet, I can't help shake this warm sensation blossoming in my chest, bringing a smile to my face.

I just feel so overwhelmingly happy.

Hopefully Liz and I will get our little comic strip off the ground within the next week. Something small and fun that I've always wanted to do, but never really found the motivation to see through until recently. Let's see if this endeavor bears any fruit, neh?

A music-related job may be a bit hard to land, but let's see what I can manage, right? ^_^;; History major with no formal musical education? No sweat, dood. I GOT THIS.

Gonna see about doing something productive right now. Ja!

~ Kess, FXC

Breaking Out, Part 1

The issue of breaking out onto the music scene for Asian-Americans has always been a funny one to me. Let's not even address the issue of Asians on screen, or Asians on television. Music. Overseas, Asian music has branched out and touched every type of sound we could possibly imagine, yet in America, there are no real prominent Asian-American figures. I could name a few somewhat obvious ones, like Mike Shinoda or Doug Robb from Hoobastank (or if you want to dig a bit deeper, mixed race singers like Ne-Yo, Amerie, Cassie, etc...), but for the most part, Asian-Americans are largely absent from the music scene. Those of mixed descent are normally identified by the other aspects that figure more prominently into their skin tone (I doubt too many people associate Ne-Yo with Asians), or their Asian ethnicity is glossed over.

As a demographic in America, it helps to have figures in the media to look up to. Sure, we could look towards other strong figures of other ethnicities and emulate their successes and achievements. However, there is much to be said for having someone you can readily identify with via visual and cultural cues. Growing up, I didn't have too many Asian role models I could look up to aside from the martial artists imported to ooh and aah the audiences with their fancy kicks and exotic war cries. I suppose I had yellow-face and whitewashed movies too. Yay for Asian-Americans apparently being deemed unable to sell product?

Anyway... a strong Asian-American presence does even more than provide a role model to younger generations. It could also work towards erasing the negative and hurtful stereotypes and perceptions of Asians that still exist today. While every ethnicity has their own list of stereotypes, it seems, at least to me, that people seem much more willing to make the Asian joke, do the slant-eye, or make the off-hand penis joke. We all apparently know kung-fu, are super smart when it comes to mathematics, technology, and the sciences, and eat dogs. It doesn't matter if the stereotype is positive; stereotypes dehumanize the individual. Stereotypes rob individuals of their own personal identity in the public sphere, and instead objectifies them, and that's the real danger of any form of stereotype. I become less than what I am. I am no longer myself, I am perceived as the myth. I myself am aware that I am an individual, but to those who proscribe to the stereotype, what am I but a walking joke? Self-worth and not needing external validation are all well and good, but it still sucks on some level to know that you're not measured according to your own accomplishments, but according to idiotic perceptions created through ignorance.

Oh shit, class is letting out. More on this later!

~ Kess, FXC