Insomnia: Ramblings II

// It's all because of you, I'm feeling sad and blue. You went away, now my life is just a rainy day. I love you so, how much you'll never know. You've gone away and left me lonely... if only you were here, you'd wash away my tears, and the sun would shine, and once again you'd be mine, all mine. But in reality, our love will never be, 'cause you took your love away from me... \\

It feels so unreal, especially when I look over my old writings, old forums, old drafts. How time flies.

It's somewhat amusing that as I get older, my creativity progressively deteriorates. Sure, the old works were raw and at times incoherent, but at least I was putting pen to paper and venturing forth. Now it feels as though I can't even manage to formulate a simple haiku without coming off... well, like a pretentious douche. Either that, or what I'll manage to churn out will be barely better than your average second grade book report.

Life was different back then. It was harder in some respects, but even though the pain was unbearable at times, at least I had my best friend to commiserate with. She was my motivation, my muse, my confidant, my balance in life, at one point, close to my everything. But misinterpretations, parental interference, and an assortment of other incidents... it broke my heart, knowing how much pain I was putting her through. I didn't want to be the source of any grief in her life, since she had been so good to me for so long. So I took myself out of the picture.

Maybe it was too drastic of a decision, and it did leave me feeling so lost, adrift in life without someone there to lean on. I should've been strong enough to endure, but... I don't know, I suppose I felt as though it was all over. I tried to rebuild, but everything I touched seemed to crumble, and usually because of my own glaring faults. I can't blame everything on someone else. At some point, I failed myself, and I never recovered.

Insomnia's bad for me. Makes me start to qq about random vague bullshit that I never want to go into detail about. I should just get ready for work and take the long route there so I can sleep a bit.

~ Kesshi, FXC