Ramblings

// The album on the whole is a bit strange for my tastes, but I did enjoy the acoustic rendition of Duvet immensely. She has such a lovely voice, and the instrumental accompaniment is wonderfully understated, providing a gentle background for Jasmine to play around in. \\

Afraid to jump on in. It's always in the back of my mind, that voice of hesitation. It's why it's so easy to front and pretend I'm something I'm not. But it's been so long that I'm afraid I've forgotten what the truth really is. Layers of deception and masks, misleads and confidence plays, an intricate web of half-truths and self-pity, all of it smothering the truth, my identity. But then, isn't THAT who I really am, a lost mind so involved in the deception that I've made these persona a part of me, aspects of my psyche? They not only shape me, they define who I am now, those past events, those fronts, everything, and I know that's not a good thing, hardly healthy, but what can I do now? Throw it all away like so much rubbish and start anew? What'll be left when I get to the core, will there be anything there to be proud of?

It's the pain in life that gives us character and shapes the course of our lives. It shouldn't, however, ever define one's existence. We look to the future and we prosper, we grow as human beings, because we are not mired in the past. At least, that's how it should be.

So why, when I understand all this, know how unhealthy it is to do what I do, why do I still do it? Why can't I just let go? This isn't what life is supposed to be like.

I've lived a million lifetimes and more within my mind, but I've barely done anything outside that prison to justify my own existence. A vivid imagination can only compensate for so much, and I've nothing to show for all my thoughts except random dribble strung together, ignored and soon to be forgotten.

I'm dreading tomorrow's work day. Meaningless job...
~ Kesshi, FXC

Dreams Are Sneaky Little Assholes

// For some strange reason, the acoustic version always sounds better to me. Maybe because it sounds realer to me, more emotional since they stripped away all the frills. All that's left is the heart and soul of the song. No fuss, no muss, no distractions. \\

So I went out on a limb today, decided to test the waters and see what would happen. Heh, I suppose I should have known she'd be spoken for. Wishful thinking, Kess, wishful thinking. Love life = dead on arrival. At least I managed to figure it out without being blatantly obvious about my intentions. Sneaky... =.=;;

This job's chipping away at me. It's not the fact that it's hard, that it's boring, or that it pays shit, although those do contribute to the weariness. I just... it's not what I want to do, and that might come off as childish, but fuck it. Even when I was a janitor, that job didn't wear on me like this one those. It was my first job, and it was a hard job, and I was proud of it, proud of the effort it made me exert. This job though... I can't accurately describe how it makes me feel... I just feel so... numb? inside.

On the train ride home one night after work, I spent nearly half an hour just staring blankly into space. No thoughts flitted through my mind, no music was pumping through my headphones, I wasn't dozing off. I just sat there and stared, and didn't realize what I was doing until I was nearly home. Seven months have come and gone, and all I have to show for it are coffee stains on my shirts and a pittance on every paycheck stub.

I know I don't have it that bad, and that makes the situation all the more frustrating, because I feel like a douche for complaining, but I feel like if I don't vent some of this frustration that it'll eat me up inside.

Whatever, enough whining for now...

Dreaming that you came to work early and decided to take a nap on the breakroom couch, only to awaken to your manager calling you, saying you're over an hour late.... it's a shitty feeling. Even moreso because, somewhere deep inside, your brain knew what time it was and decided to fuck with you a little.

Asshole brain...

~ Kesshi, FXC