Ramblings

// The album on the whole is a bit strange for my tastes, but I did enjoy the acoustic rendition of Duvet immensely. She has such a lovely voice, and the instrumental accompaniment is wonderfully understated, providing a gentle background for Jasmine to play around in. \\

Afraid to jump on in. It's always in the back of my mind, that voice of hesitation. It's why it's so easy to front and pretend I'm something I'm not. But it's been so long that I'm afraid I've forgotten what the truth really is. Layers of deception and masks, misleads and confidence plays, an intricate web of half-truths and self-pity, all of it smothering the truth, my identity. But then, isn't THAT who I really am, a lost mind so involved in the deception that I've made these persona a part of me, aspects of my psyche? They not only shape me, they define who I am now, those past events, those fronts, everything, and I know that's not a good thing, hardly healthy, but what can I do now? Throw it all away like so much rubbish and start anew? What'll be left when I get to the core, will there be anything there to be proud of?

It's the pain in life that gives us character and shapes the course of our lives. It shouldn't, however, ever define one's existence. We look to the future and we prosper, we grow as human beings, because we are not mired in the past. At least, that's how it should be.

So why, when I understand all this, know how unhealthy it is to do what I do, why do I still do it? Why can't I just let go? This isn't what life is supposed to be like.

I've lived a million lifetimes and more within my mind, but I've barely done anything outside that prison to justify my own existence. A vivid imagination can only compensate for so much, and I've nothing to show for all my thoughts except random dribble strung together, ignored and soon to be forgotten.

I'm dreading tomorrow's work day. Meaningless job...
~ Kesshi, FXC