Music

As long as I'm listening to music, I can forget, for the briefest of moments, about the outside world. I can lose myself in the rhythm, and let the voices take me for the most wondrous of rides. It doesn't even necessarily matter if I don't understand the lyrics. The emotions are there, and at the end of the day that's what really matters. That raw strength, the enthusiasm, the sorrow, the joy, it's all there in the best of songs, and whenever I can glimpse that sort of feeling behind the words, it sends shivers down my spine. I can feel the world anew. Listening to this art, flowing through my speakers, I cannot help but be amazed and thankful that, despite it all, I was fortunate enough to have found these brief moments of clarity, and been able to appreciate it for what it is.

It's somewhat depressing to finally realize what I've wanted to do with my life so late into the education game. I suppose it's not financially feasible to go back and start the degree over as a music major, but hopefully I won't need it. I just... I don't want to just be a music enthusiast. I doubt I'd be able to create anything remotely remarkable, but... maybe if I can bring this music to a wider audience. Purge the tired lab tracks and revitalize the music scene. Bring back to feeling, the substance. I don't quite know how this desire will translate into action, but... I want to make this happen.

Awkward

Apparently if I hit enter when I'm typing the title, it'll submit the post as is. >_>

I'm not sure how to go about this. I know that the issue of self-confidence is a mind game; if I want something, I should go for it. I think too much about what I have to offer (or lack thereof), my appearances, whether I'll be received well or not, whether or not they already have a boyfriend, etc, etc... I know that I'm my own worst enemy, cliche cliche, and that I'll never be able to progress in life if I don't take risks, but...

It's poisonous, but I honestly don't think I can offer them anything aside from loyalty and a willingness to listen. And a lot of the shortcomings can be remedied, but even if none of those things were in the way, I still don't know if I can do good by them.

I'm not a brave man, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'm also a lazy man, I guess, because I won't take the necessary steps to make it better.

I'm just so lonely nowadays, that it eats away at whatever happiness I can grasp in the world today.

More Rambling

Stop trying to act black.

I hear that every now and then, from near strangers to close friends. It's delivered in different forms, but the meaning behind it is always the same. It makes me question quite a few things in life whenever I hear this, and the answers I arrive at are often unpleasant. I've tried to explain my take on the matter, but it seems nearly impossible to help people understand, as though they've already come to a conclusion about me. Maybe writing this all down will help illustrate my point better.

I'm my own person.

My habits, my dress, my musical tastes, my dialect, my life experiences, these are all MINE. I am not some chigga, some wannabe Asian thug, some suburban kid looking for street cred. I don't pretend to be "black", I'm not a byproduct of the ghetto, I'm not some awkward kid looking to stand out by embracing something normally seen as the polar opposite of Asianhood. I. Am. Me.

It makes me feel so awkward when I find myself defending what I like to supposed friends who genuinely question why I like the things I like. Does it matter? I didn't grow up impoverished, but I grew up around it for a time. I didn't do any dirt, but I had friends and family who did plenty. I saw enough. I lived through enough. Even if I didn't have any ties to this lifestyle, who the fuck are you to say that I shouldn't enjoy this culture? There's no neon sign that says only black people can enjoy these things. There are plenty of black people who DON'T enjoy these things, and enjoy things people associate with white culture. Does that make them any less black? Hardly. Does my taste in music and the way I talk make me any less Asian? No.

Why do I have to explain why I do the things I do. I'm not killing a puppy for shits, I'm listening to rap. I'm not masturbating furiously in public, I'm talking with a slight drawl and fewer complete words. I'm not fucking your mom, I'm watching BET. Who the fuck cares?

I started this post with the intention of explaining my background, but you know what? Why should I? Who are these people to criticize what I like, to even mention the race card? I enjoy it. I'm not doing it to look hard, or to look cool, or to pretend like I belong in a certain group. I'm a fat Asian kid who always wears two shirts and also listens to Backstreet Boys and hyperactive Asian pop.

Come on.

Bleh at the Weather

// Dreary weather can't dampen my excitement for Starcraft II though. As much as I loved the Protoss in the first one, Terran are growing on me in the beta for II. Get psyched, get hyped, get ready for a fucking fight. Cowboy up! \\

Starcraft II is coming. I can feel my free time bleeding away at the prospect of sitting in front of a computer monitor micromanaging my underlings and balancing my resource budget.

And by that I mean MMM rushing. >_> I'm still new to the beta, don't harsh my newbie tactics! Goddamn banelings...

Atlantic City is so abusive sometimes. Borgata likes playing with my emotions by letting me struggle to get in the green, then raping me in one fell swoop like I was some fresh meat in the state pen...

I suppose updating in class isn't the best of ideas, so I'm out for now. Whooooooooooo Modern Chinese history!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Still Awake

// Younha somewhat reminds me of Frou Frou's sound. Becoming more and more enamored with Korean artists with every new singer I find. Lovin the second album... \\

So it's been a while. Semi-quit my job, going back to school, trying to get my life back on track, etc, etc. And what better way to kick off a brand new start than going to see Utada in concert, not once, not twice, but thr-... no wait, twice. Yes.

Because of the kind efforts of a Boston cousin, I was able to land tickets for the Boston concert at Paradise in addition to the New York tickets at the Fillmore I had already scored. I'm really glad I was able to go to the Boston concert, because it was such an intimate setting, and Hikki was, aside from a Boku wa Kuma flub (which was really quite adorable), really on point and looked like she was having a ton of fun. Youtube the concert in Boston; a line friend got it all, and it's actually pretty good quality, although the sound is a bit meh.

Korean R&B has been surprising me left and right. Aside from Younha, I've been dabbling in a bit of Brown Eyed Girls and Gavy NJ, and it's all soooo soooo good. When I'm not feeling quite so lazy, I'll talk more about them. Until then, good night! Wish me luck on my exam in.... 6 hours and 43 minutes!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Lol, So I've Been Away For a Bit

Guess I've been neglecting this blog for a minute. But who really reads this, neh? :P

Going on a diet doesn't work too well without the willpower to back it up. But I think I've met my newest crush, so maybe that'll be motivation enough to get into gear. ^_^;; Gotta spiffy up the outfit a bit too, clean up the whole image. Get correct, get correct!

Aion's such a pretty looking game. Dunno if I wanna fall into the monthly subscription trap though. SOOOO PRETTY tho.

Net's pretty bad right now, so no video for now. Just wanted to post and say that I'm not dead! Yay!

Don't Say Lazy

// Been getting back into anime recently, and just started watching K-On! Actually enjoying it immensely. It's cute, funny, and seems... real? in the sense that I can imagine real people acting like this. I thought it was going to be something ridiculously fan service-y and sugary, but it's quite watchable. The music is also damn catchy. \\

I miss the simple life that came with college. It had its ups and downs, and there were definitely bleak moments, but still, it was leaps and bounds better than the monotony of cafe life. It also meant I was out of the house, lol...

The idea of moving out is so massively appealing, but I should go continue my education at UMBC. Torn between striking out on my own, away from the problems of home life, versus reentering the college life. Yeah, school would take me away from home as well, but it's not quite the same when they're just a few minutes away... iunno, maybe I'm just being weird.

It's just been so hard pretending. Smiling and chatting like everything's okay, like the past is long forgotten and I've moved on. I can't be myself around them, and it's eating away at my sanity, every moment I spend faking happiness. The only real positive that's come from being at home for a prolonged period of time is that my relationship with my sister has improved dramatically. We get along so much better nowadays, and while that's in no small part due to the fact that she's reached an age where our interests and humor mesh better, I think it's also because we've been able to spend so much time together. I don't want to lose that, but at the same time I don't want to suddenly crack under the pressure again and cause a scene that I'd regret later.

It does feel like running away, but...

Onto less emo/whiny topics... K-On! What a fun anime so far. It reminds me of Azumanga Daioh, except with a more linear storyline (by that I mean not as random at times) and a musical slant. The characters are all very likeable, and so sooooo adorable! I know I tend to gush over everything minutely cute... it's probably something that's gone from silly little quirk to creepy old guy thing... >_> I'm really looking forward to watching the rest of the series when I have a bit more time to myself.

When the Seagulls Cry is another anime that I've begun to watch. Made by the same people behind Higurashi, it seems to share a lot of similar themes, but... it's not quite as engaging as Higurashi was for me. Iunno... we'll see how it goes with the next episode. Ah, I'm waiting for anime to come out on a week by week basis again! How nostalgic. ^_^;;

STILL WAITING FOR A GOOD QUALITY VERSION OF 2.0 TO SURFACE! T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T AAARGH, ASUKA, I LONG FOR YOOOOOU!

Delicious 1TB external, yay!

~ Kesshi, FXC