Losing My Grip

// I suppose since this was a demo, there wasn't an official music video made for it. Regardless, one of my favorite songs from the Cardigans, with the bass track being covered by minsatellites. \\

I suppose I'm not making enough of an effort, or that I don't bring anything interesting to the equation. I call occasionally, but I don't want to seem too pushy or desperate. It just seems like I'm drifting farther and farther away, and the more I flail against the current, the harder it is for me to keep afloat.

Is this even normal, feeling like this so often for so long. I thought perhaps it was just a phase, or just because of things happening at the moment. But I'm on vacation, I have one more day until I get to see the cousins again, I've got Otakon to look forward to, and romantic possibilities are on the horizon. And, despite it all, I still feel so...

In the end, it doesn't really matter, does it. No one particularly cares, and I can't especially blame them. Why would someone want to sit around and listen to me bitch for hours on end. I guess that's why I can't maintain friendships; I'm just not positive enough. I could force positivity, I suppose, but I do enough of that at work that it would defeat the purpose of having friends if I had to keep that facade going. It's not like I try to be a stick in the mud around people; quite the contrary, I try my hardest to be upbeat and funny, and perhaps I try too hard sometimes and come off weird. It just gets tiring after a while, and I let the happy mask slip.

I don't really think I can put how I'm feeling right now into text without rambling and not making much sense. Heh, I act like people actually read this. The perks of hiding in plain sight, people don't go looking for your shit.

"I Figured Out" from the Cardigans. The person in the video is a bassist covering the song's bass line. Whether or not the bassist in the video is a very cute trap is something that's occasionally crossed and occupied my mind. I like to think it's a girl. Hope it's a girl.

The whole not recording your face and dressing up in girl's clothing to make the viewer question the gender schtick is a bit annoying after a while...

~ Kesshi, FXC