For Just A Few Days

... Can't I be a little selfish, or is that already too much to ask, and I should just get over being held up and resume life like nothing happened?

Calm the Nerves

// I just need something to calm the nerves right now. Because all I can really feel right now is angry, and I don't think that's the normal reaction for these sorts of situations. Hopefully Emi can help soothe the raging heart... \\

Getting mugged should probably illicit more of a fearful response than it did from me last night.

I missed my metro stop and ended up in Glenmont Metro Station. Since it was almost 1am, I decided to hoof it home. Three black teens are close behind me, but they're idly chatting amongst themselves, so I don't think anything about it. One of them even bums a cigarette off me, so I'm a bit at ease. After about ten minutes walking, I cross the street, hoping to maybe catch a bus home instead of walking the rest of the way.

All I hear for a warning is someone running up behind me. I turn to look and maybe get out of the way when the fucker swings down with his gun and cracks me on the side of the head. Blood immediately started to gush, and I crouched low to cover my head and try to stop the bleeding, cussing all the while. The guy rummages through my pockets and lifts my iPod, cigarettes, and bag, and points the gun in my face, demanding my money. I tell him aight and continue cussing as I hand him my wallet. Fucker runs off giggling like the shit he is and rejoins his friends across the street, and they take off.

All I can really see now is blood flowing everywhere and the hazy lights from a nearby gas station. I stand there for a second, sorting through the emotions swirling about in my head, and finally settle on one. I straighten up and scream fuck at the top of my lungs before I start trudging towards the gas station. People driving by slow down and peer out curiously at the bloody fat asian marching through traffic, but no one stops and sees what the matter is. I guess they shouldn't, really. Bloody man might rob them or give them AIDS.

Get to the gas station and ask the attendant if I could use his phone. He shakes his head vigorously and directs me to the police station, which, funnily enough, is only half a block away. Fuck me, I got mugged near a police station. At this point the blood's blanketed my right arm and doused my front with a generous coat, soaking through the front into the undershirt. I manage to flag down a passing cop car and the report starts. They find the fuckers and most of my stuff, although they couldn't retrieve my metro card. Whatever.

Six hours and a hospital visit later, I have five sutures and a tetanus shot to my name, and a feeling of just straight emptiness.

Sing for me Emi...

~ Kesshi, FXC

A Bit of Relaxation

// Musical versatility is always a plus. Jazzy infusions doubly so. Really feeling Scanty Blues, the debut track from Meg in 2002. Such a chill song...\\

Is it somewhat bad that I'm happy management's cutting my hours back slightly? In order to avoid having to give me full-time status (and therefore pay me more and give me benefits that come with FT), management has decided to scale back both mine and my co-workers' hours back down to just below the minimum for FT, keeping us part-time. While the loss of money will be painful, I'm hoping I can at least get my Friday nights back again. :3

Think positive!

... a lololololol...

~ Kesshi, FXC

A Break From The Norm

No music today. Just an update on Team Fortress 2, one of my favorite FPS's of all time. Sniper and Spy got content updates! Yay!

Here're their video introductions.

~ Kesshi, FXC

Insomnia: Ramblings II

// It's all because of you, I'm feeling sad and blue. You went away, now my life is just a rainy day. I love you so, how much you'll never know. You've gone away and left me lonely... if only you were here, you'd wash away my tears, and the sun would shine, and once again you'd be mine, all mine. But in reality, our love will never be, 'cause you took your love away from me... \\

It feels so unreal, especially when I look over my old writings, old forums, old drafts. How time flies.

It's somewhat amusing that as I get older, my creativity progressively deteriorates. Sure, the old works were raw and at times incoherent, but at least I was putting pen to paper and venturing forth. Now it feels as though I can't even manage to formulate a simple haiku without coming off... well, like a pretentious douche. Either that, or what I'll manage to churn out will be barely better than your average second grade book report.

Life was different back then. It was harder in some respects, but even though the pain was unbearable at times, at least I had my best friend to commiserate with. She was my motivation, my muse, my confidant, my balance in life, at one point, close to my everything. But misinterpretations, parental interference, and an assortment of other incidents... it broke my heart, knowing how much pain I was putting her through. I didn't want to be the source of any grief in her life, since she had been so good to me for so long. So I took myself out of the picture.

Maybe it was too drastic of a decision, and it did leave me feeling so lost, adrift in life without someone there to lean on. I should've been strong enough to endure, but... I don't know, I suppose I felt as though it was all over. I tried to rebuild, but everything I touched seemed to crumble, and usually because of my own glaring faults. I can't blame everything on someone else. At some point, I failed myself, and I never recovered.

Insomnia's bad for me. Makes me start to qq about random vague bullshit that I never want to go into detail about. I should just get ready for work and take the long route there so I can sleep a bit.

~ Kesshi, FXC

Sleepy // Korean BoA This Time

// Oh BoA, you're so smexy... if only your english was a tad bit better, I could enjoy your new American album better. As it is though, the fobby accent's killin the experience for me... =/ Lovin the dancin in the new vids though. Puts a lot of American artists to shame. \\

Man, it'd be so nice to be back in school right now, when the days were filled with only a few hours of lecture and maybe an hour or two of actual work. I miss those leisurely days.

Eh, whatever, fobby accent aside, I'd still love to have her eat me up... :3

I'm hoping that Hikki and BoA's arrival on the American scene will usher in an influx of asian talent into the music industry. There's so much good stuff overseas, but it tends not to branch out so much in the English speaking nations (otaku fanbase aside). Moar exposure!

At the very least, hopefully people will start paying more attention to the music scene in Asia...

Short post, tired, sleep sleep time.

~ Kesshi, FXC

(Including a version of the Eat You Up video with more dancing, less theatrics)

Ramblings

// The album on the whole is a bit strange for my tastes, but I did enjoy the acoustic rendition of Duvet immensely. She has such a lovely voice, and the instrumental accompaniment is wonderfully understated, providing a gentle background for Jasmine to play around in. \\

Afraid to jump on in. It's always in the back of my mind, that voice of hesitation. It's why it's so easy to front and pretend I'm something I'm not. But it's been so long that I'm afraid I've forgotten what the truth really is. Layers of deception and masks, misleads and confidence plays, an intricate web of half-truths and self-pity, all of it smothering the truth, my identity. But then, isn't THAT who I really am, a lost mind so involved in the deception that I've made these persona a part of me, aspects of my psyche? They not only shape me, they define who I am now, those past events, those fronts, everything, and I know that's not a good thing, hardly healthy, but what can I do now? Throw it all away like so much rubbish and start anew? What'll be left when I get to the core, will there be anything there to be proud of?

It's the pain in life that gives us character and shapes the course of our lives. It shouldn't, however, ever define one's existence. We look to the future and we prosper, we grow as human beings, because we are not mired in the past. At least, that's how it should be.

So why, when I understand all this, know how unhealthy it is to do what I do, why do I still do it? Why can't I just let go? This isn't what life is supposed to be like.

I've lived a million lifetimes and more within my mind, but I've barely done anything outside that prison to justify my own existence. A vivid imagination can only compensate for so much, and I've nothing to show for all my thoughts except random dribble strung together, ignored and soon to be forgotten.

I'm dreading tomorrow's work day. Meaningless job...
~ Kesshi, FXC

Why Am I Still Awake...

// I suppose I could blame it partially on Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake for their hilarious song dedicated to Mother's Day. I COULD... but I won't... I guess... for now... dot dot dot...\\

Having such a hard time getting to sleep on time nowadays. Internal clock must be skewed halfway to hell or something...

Chinese and Japanese home lessons are going as well as I expected, I guess. My memory's so terrible though; I can barely remember anything I learn. I suppose through constant repetition I'll get it. Maybe I just need total immersion. Hn, excursion to Japan? Seems like that'd be fun, in a "lol I can't even begin to imagine how I would afford to go there, let alone find a place to live and settle there for an extended amount of time" sorta way.

Role playing online is actually more fun than I thought it would be. I get to read other people's writing, and it's actually pretty good (for the most part). I feel embarassed sometimes by the caliber of their writing, and because of that spend an inordinant amount of time on my small posts. I need a consistent beta reader that I won't get pissy at... or maybe I just need to reign in my insecurities and not get so defensive when people suggest writing tips. :x Maybe maybe...

A small departure from the normal trend. Enjoy and Happy (belated) Mother's Day! (will probably have to update this later in the month with the official video link)

~ Kesshi, FXC

That Beautiful Flow

// It's a shame that the hip hop scene is represented by so many idiots and bad artists that people generalize and paint the whole genre as noise. You just have to sift through the rubble to find the diamonds in the rough; sometimes, you have to go a bit farther than you'd think... \\

I wonder why people tend to question the existence of pain, as though it doesn't make sense that a God who supposedly loves us would do such a terrible thing like allow suffering. If life was being in a state of constant bliss and euphoria, with nothing to dampen our hearts and minds, how then could we appreciate how beautiful life really is?

8:45 Heaven. A pleasant departure from all that swag talk that's become to new annoying catchy thing to say OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. I don't really know how to go about describing this song. It's undoubtedly laden with such raw emotion that, even before I read the translation, tears threatened to well up unbidden as I sat there listening to the track. You can hear Tiger JK just let loose on the track with his sorrow and frustration at the loss of his grandmother, and nothing in it sounds hollow or forced. People talk down about Drunken Tiger's music since DJ Shine's departure from the group, but JK proves that he's a strong solo artist here with this baring of his heart and soul for all to see.

It's not your normal rap fare, but diversity is a good thing, especially in the musical community. It vitalizes the scene, keeps things from becoming stale, repetitive. It's also another indication that the hip hop community worldwide should turn their attentions away from mainly focusing on the United States, which has fallen into such a slump as of late, and perhaps look abroad. Talent is international.

Getting my posting... SWAG... on... <_<;;

~ Kesshi, FXC

Lazy Days Off

// Nico Nico Douga Medley + Perpetual Mario = Pure Win. \\

Holy mother of God, that was the best eleven minutes of my life.

... no, if that was true, I'd have probably killed myself by now. But it was good. Undeniably good.

......... I'm talking about the Perpetual Mario video set to the Nico Nico Douga Medley.... what do YOU think I'm talking about?

I'm in a mood. I can't accurately describe it as a good one, but it's not entirely bad. Definitely a humming, oh hey I might take some allergy medication and walk around later tonight kind of mood.

Nothing's really coming to mind today. Day off, nothing to complain about, nothing to talk about. Maybe I'll update a bit later. Until then!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Dreams Are Sneaky Little Assholes

// For some strange reason, the acoustic version always sounds better to me. Maybe because it sounds realer to me, more emotional since they stripped away all the frills. All that's left is the heart and soul of the song. No fuss, no muss, no distractions. \\

So I went out on a limb today, decided to test the waters and see what would happen. Heh, I suppose I should have known she'd be spoken for. Wishful thinking, Kess, wishful thinking. Love life = dead on arrival. At least I managed to figure it out without being blatantly obvious about my intentions. Sneaky... =.=;;

This job's chipping away at me. It's not the fact that it's hard, that it's boring, or that it pays shit, although those do contribute to the weariness. I just... it's not what I want to do, and that might come off as childish, but fuck it. Even when I was a janitor, that job didn't wear on me like this one those. It was my first job, and it was a hard job, and I was proud of it, proud of the effort it made me exert. This job though... I can't accurately describe how it makes me feel... I just feel so... numb? inside.

On the train ride home one night after work, I spent nearly half an hour just staring blankly into space. No thoughts flitted through my mind, no music was pumping through my headphones, I wasn't dozing off. I just sat there and stared, and didn't realize what I was doing until I was nearly home. Seven months have come and gone, and all I have to show for it are coffee stains on my shirts and a pittance on every paycheck stub.

I know I don't have it that bad, and that makes the situation all the more frustrating, because I feel like a douche for complaining, but I feel like if I don't vent some of this frustration that it'll eat me up inside.

Whatever, enough whining for now...

Dreaming that you came to work early and decided to take a nap on the breakroom couch, only to awaken to your manager calling you, saying you're over an hour late.... it's a shitty feeling. Even moreso because, somewhere deep inside, your brain knew what time it was and decided to fuck with you a little.

Asshole brain...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Coffee Stank

// Smelling like coffee and cigarettes, unwinding after a grueling day at the cafe. What I wouldn't give right now for a desk job. And maybe concert tickets to see F.I.R. in concert. 真愛地圖 (Map of True Love) is such a pretty song. Love the whole album... <3 \\

I wonder why people spend so much money on coffee and expresso-related drinks everyday. I can understand needing a pick me up to stay awake for whatever reason, but dropping 4-5 dollars on a drink seems a bit much. I know I shouldn't complain, since their business lets me keep my job, but one has to wonder sometimes about the luxuries people take for granted on the daily.

Rebuild 2.0 is coming out soon! While by no means an Eva fanboy, I did enjoy the series for the most part, and was pleased that the first Rebuild movie worked to iron out a few kinks from the TV show. Shinji just comes off as more relatable in the Rebuild movie, having developed something resembling a spine over the years of media inactivity, while still staying within the role of a depressed 14 year old dealing with abandonment issues. It's nice to be able to revisit the franchise and see visible improvements that add to and compliment the story. I'm glad they didn't decide to go with a total reboot, and instead chose to merely flesh out and better portray what they had.

The new cast member is something I'm a bit wary about, but I'll try and keep an open mind. I know they want to go a different direction with the ending, and I'm not hurting over that. Maybe they needed something more for that ending, and the new pilot (I'm assuming she's a new pilot) might be the key. Reserving judgment and guessing until I see the finished material. The wait, though, it's so painful sometimes! XD

Taking one of those home kits for learning Chinese and Japanese right now. If anything, I should PROBABLY take a Vietnamese language course right now, but whatever, I understand enough and can speak enough to survive. I want something new!

Movie time with the sister and aunt, so I'm going to cut this post short. Perhaps a bit more later folks!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Exhaustion Setting In, Must Finish Organizing Moosak!

// Enjoying Ikimono Gakari's Sakura song immensely right now, although perhaps something a bit more hype is in order soon. Hard to stave off the urge to sleep with this kind of music... \\

Liquor before beer, nothing to fear. Beer before liquor, get messed up quicker. Something like that... Unfortunately, slamming both back in tandem may yield unfortunate results. 151 + Steel Reserve = bad times. Glad I thought better of drinking heavily at a party when I had work the following morning. Besides, sipping on a few Hard Lemonades, while a bit emasculating, is a much more preferable option to throwing up on the lawn and getting the spins for the rest of the night.

Birthday party for a few friends in Baltimore was fun. Saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in quite a while, some shenanigans abounded, and on the whole, it seemed as though everyone had a nice time, although there were a few alcohol-related casualties... <_<;;>ヱヴァンゲリヲン新劇場版:破)

Here's to hoping that the wait was worth it! :D Too tired right now to go into depth about the Rebuild movies. Will catch some Zs, get to work, come back home, and ramble on and on about the movies later!

I Do (Not) Want To Go To Work... T_T

~ Kesshi, FXC

Good Morning Maryland...

// Quietly soaking in the beautiful trills of Ms. Utada (singing on a track with her mother: It's a shame I don't know the name of the song ) while pondering various thoughts that flit to the forefront of my mind. \\

To any errant visitors that happened to stumble upon this page, thank you for visiting. I'm not quite sure what to do with this blog as of yet, but it seems like something interesting to maintain.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty, shall we?

• I'm a huge music fan, and enjoy a variety of genres that range from the jazz stylings of Japanese artist Mika Nakashima to gangsta rap forerunners like Bone Thugs N Harmony.
  
• I enjoy anime and manga, although I haven't read or watched much in the past few years. I'm a sucker for those sappy romances and silly comedies, with the occasional mecha thrown in for good measure.
  
• I adore reading, and find losing myself in the words to be something akin to pure bliss.
  
• I enjoy a variety of video games, and can sometimes be found wandering aimlessly in the terribly addictive World of Warcraft, and at other times vying for that next achievement in Team Fortress 2.
• I enjoy writing... and by enjoy, I mean I wish I could write, although I normally just end up frustrated with any attempt I embark on to put pen to paper and scribble out something meaningful.
  

Hopefully I'll be seeing you again sometime soon. Thanks again for stopping by.

~ Kesshi, FXC