As the years go by, I'm starting to see more and more of the missteps, and I'm making a mad dash to shore up all the deficiencies, but everything I've relied on, everything I've built up, they're all collapsing around me, and I don't know if I even want to try to hold on.
I'm a terrible friend, unable to keep my own pain out of my social interactions. It floats to the surface, and it hurts those around me. I see it happen, but I'm so consumed by self-pity that I don't even bother to stop it. I become spiteful, and look for the littlest reason to lash out, because I can't handle the happiness of those surrounding me. I see the errors, but I just let it go, because I can't control the few things in life that I WANT to control. It feels like I've given up, and it's somewhat worrisome that I'm not any more concerned than I already am.
I've spent so many years trying to help him, but the effort's always been halfhearted. His pain, his sorrow, his need for comfort defines me as a person. I can't imagine myself as having grown up happy, as being happy. I've shaped my existence around his flaws, his legacy, and it feels too ingrained in my mind to change now. I suppose I enjoy playing the victim, set upon by his burdens, my burdens by proxy. It gives me something to live for in life, acting as the lifeline that can never quite pull in the hapless victim, but helps to keep them afloat for a little while longer. It sets me apart from my peers, in it's own small, insignificant way. It sounds idiotic, but I feel unique, even though I use my brother's shadow to define myself.
I know I shouldn't let personal matters affect my social standings, but it's getting so hard to keep the two separated.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Stray Thoughts
Write what you know.
It's 5:36 in the morning, and I'm still awake, gingerly pecking away at the laptop while the window shades allow the first rays of sunlight to seep through. I'm still awake because... because I want to recapture those brief moments of... I can't even describe it. My mind's so muddled, and everything just seems so impossibly difficult to explain in words, but...
It was so much easier when I was writing for you.
What am I, without you.
It's 5:36 in the morning, and I'm still awake, gingerly pecking away at the laptop while the window shades allow the first rays of sunlight to seep through. I'm still awake because... because I want to recapture those brief moments of... I can't even describe it. My mind's so muddled, and everything just seems so impossibly difficult to explain in words, but...
It was so much easier when I was writing for you.
What am I, without you.
Monday, May 24, 2010
A Sense of Relief
// The future's hardly set, and the paths ahead of me are so clouded and unsure, but this sense of relief filling my very core is something that I can't seem to shake. For the first time in a long while, I can say that I feel happy. Hopefully the grades for this semester won't rob me of this high... ^_^ Here, have some Jane Lui. Good for the soul. \\
No job lined up, no relationship, no real plans for the future aside from some vague aspirations, not even the guarantee of a passing semester, and yet, I can't help shake this warm sensation blossoming in my chest, bringing a smile to my face.
I just feel so overwhelmingly happy.
Hopefully Liz and I will get our little comic strip off the ground within the next week. Something small and fun that I've always wanted to do, but never really found the motivation to see through until recently. Let's see if this endeavor bears any fruit, neh?
A music-related job may be a bit hard to land, but let's see what I can manage, right? ^_^;; History major with no formal musical education? No sweat, dood. I GOT THIS.
Gonna see about doing something productive right now. Ja!
~ Kess, FXC
No job lined up, no relationship, no real plans for the future aside from some vague aspirations, not even the guarantee of a passing semester, and yet, I can't help shake this warm sensation blossoming in my chest, bringing a smile to my face.
I just feel so overwhelmingly happy.
Hopefully Liz and I will get our little comic strip off the ground within the next week. Something small and fun that I've always wanted to do, but never really found the motivation to see through until recently. Let's see if this endeavor bears any fruit, neh?
A music-related job may be a bit hard to land, but let's see what I can manage, right? ^_^;; History major with no formal musical education? No sweat, dood. I GOT THIS.
Gonna see about doing something productive right now. Ja!
~ Kess, FXC
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Breaking Out, Part 1
The issue of breaking out onto the music scene for Asian-Americans has always been a funny one to me. Let's not even address the issue of Asians on screen, or Asians on television. Music. Overseas, Asian music has branched out and touched every type of sound we could possibly imagine, yet in America, there are no real prominent Asian-American figures. I could name a few somewhat obvious ones, like Mike Shinoda or Doug Robb from Hoobastank (or if you want to dig a bit deeper, mixed race singers like Ne-Yo, Amerie, Cassie, etc...), but for the most part, Asian-Americans are largely absent from the music scene. Those of mixed descent are normally identified by the other aspects that figure more prominently into their skin tone (I doubt too many people associate Ne-Yo with Asians), or their Asian ethnicity is glossed over.
As a demographic in America, it helps to have figures in the media to look up to. Sure, we could look towards other strong figures of other ethnicities and emulate their successes and achievements. However, there is much to be said for having someone you can readily identify with via visual and cultural cues. Growing up, I didn't have too many Asian role models I could look up to aside from the martial artists imported to ooh and aah the audiences with their fancy kicks and exotic war cries. I suppose I had yellow-face and whitewashed movies too. Yay for Asian-Americans apparently being deemed unable to sell product?
Anyway... a strong Asian-American presence does even more than provide a role model to younger generations. It could also work towards erasing the negative and hurtful stereotypes and perceptions of Asians that still exist today. While every ethnicity has their own list of stereotypes, it seems, at least to me, that people seem much more willing to make the Asian joke, do the slant-eye, or make the off-hand penis joke. We all apparently know kung-fu, are super smart when it comes to mathematics, technology, and the sciences, and eat dogs. It doesn't matter if the stereotype is positive; stereotypes dehumanize the individual. Stereotypes rob individuals of their own personal identity in the public sphere, and instead objectifies them, and that's the real danger of any form of stereotype. I become less than what I am. I am no longer myself, I am perceived as the myth. I myself am aware that I am an individual, but to those who proscribe to the stereotype, what am I but a walking joke? Self-worth and not needing external validation are all well and good, but it still sucks on some level to know that you're not measured according to your own accomplishments, but according to idiotic perceptions created through ignorance.
Oh shit, class is letting out. More on this later!
~ Kess, FXC
As a demographic in America, it helps to have figures in the media to look up to. Sure, we could look towards other strong figures of other ethnicities and emulate their successes and achievements. However, there is much to be said for having someone you can readily identify with via visual and cultural cues. Growing up, I didn't have too many Asian role models I could look up to aside from the martial artists imported to ooh and aah the audiences with their fancy kicks and exotic war cries. I suppose I had yellow-face and whitewashed movies too. Yay for Asian-Americans apparently being deemed unable to sell product?
Anyway... a strong Asian-American presence does even more than provide a role model to younger generations. It could also work towards erasing the negative and hurtful stereotypes and perceptions of Asians that still exist today. While every ethnicity has their own list of stereotypes, it seems, at least to me, that people seem much more willing to make the Asian joke, do the slant-eye, or make the off-hand penis joke. We all apparently know kung-fu, are super smart when it comes to mathematics, technology, and the sciences, and eat dogs. It doesn't matter if the stereotype is positive; stereotypes dehumanize the individual. Stereotypes rob individuals of their own personal identity in the public sphere, and instead objectifies them, and that's the real danger of any form of stereotype. I become less than what I am. I am no longer myself, I am perceived as the myth. I myself am aware that I am an individual, but to those who proscribe to the stereotype, what am I but a walking joke? Self-worth and not needing external validation are all well and good, but it still sucks on some level to know that you're not measured according to your own accomplishments, but according to idiotic perceptions created through ignorance.
Oh shit, class is letting out. More on this later!
~ Kess, FXC
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Music
As long as I'm listening to music, I can forget, for the briefest of moments, about the outside world. I can lose myself in the rhythm, and let the voices take me for the most wondrous of rides. It doesn't even necessarily matter if I don't understand the lyrics. The emotions are there, and at the end of the day that's what really matters. That raw strength, the enthusiasm, the sorrow, the joy, it's all there in the best of songs, and whenever I can glimpse that sort of feeling behind the words, it sends shivers down my spine. I can feel the world anew. Listening to this art, flowing through my speakers, I cannot help but be amazed and thankful that, despite it all, I was fortunate enough to have found these brief moments of clarity, and been able to appreciate it for what it is.
It's somewhat depressing to finally realize what I've wanted to do with my life so late into the education game. I suppose it's not financially feasible to go back and start the degree over as a music major, but hopefully I won't need it. I just... I don't want to just be a music enthusiast. I doubt I'd be able to create anything remotely remarkable, but... maybe if I can bring this music to a wider audience. Purge the tired lab tracks and revitalize the music scene. Bring back to feeling, the substance. I don't quite know how this desire will translate into action, but... I want to make this happen.
It's somewhat depressing to finally realize what I've wanted to do with my life so late into the education game. I suppose it's not financially feasible to go back and start the degree over as a music major, but hopefully I won't need it. I just... I don't want to just be a music enthusiast. I doubt I'd be able to create anything remotely remarkable, but... maybe if I can bring this music to a wider audience. Purge the tired lab tracks and revitalize the music scene. Bring back to feeling, the substance. I don't quite know how this desire will translate into action, but... I want to make this happen.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Awkward
Apparently if I hit enter when I'm typing the title, it'll submit the post as is. >_>
I'm not sure how to go about this. I know that the issue of self-confidence is a mind game; if I want something, I should go for it. I think too much about what I have to offer (or lack thereof), my appearances, whether I'll be received well or not, whether or not they already have a boyfriend, etc, etc... I know that I'm my own worst enemy, cliche cliche, and that I'll never be able to progress in life if I don't take risks, but...
It's poisonous, but I honestly don't think I can offer them anything aside from loyalty and a willingness to listen. And a lot of the shortcomings can be remedied, but even if none of those things were in the way, I still don't know if I can do good by them.
I'm not a brave man, and I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm also a lazy man, I guess, because I won't take the necessary steps to make it better.
I'm just so lonely nowadays, that it eats away at whatever happiness I can grasp in the world today.
I'm not sure how to go about this. I know that the issue of self-confidence is a mind game; if I want something, I should go for it. I think too much about what I have to offer (or lack thereof), my appearances, whether I'll be received well or not, whether or not they already have a boyfriend, etc, etc... I know that I'm my own worst enemy, cliche cliche, and that I'll never be able to progress in life if I don't take risks, but...
It's poisonous, but I honestly don't think I can offer them anything aside from loyalty and a willingness to listen. And a lot of the shortcomings can be remedied, but even if none of those things were in the way, I still don't know if I can do good by them.
I'm not a brave man, and I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm also a lazy man, I guess, because I won't take the necessary steps to make it better.
I'm just so lonely nowadays, that it eats away at whatever happiness I can grasp in the world today.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
More Rambling
Stop trying to act black.
I hear that every now and then, from near strangers to close friends. It's delivered in different forms, but the meaning behind it is always the same. It makes me question quite a few things in life whenever I hear this, and the answers I arrive at are often unpleasant. I've tried to explain my take on the matter, but it seems nearly impossible to help people understand, as though they've already come to a conclusion about me. Maybe writing this all down will help illustrate my point better.
I'm my own person.
My habits, my dress, my musical tastes, my dialect, my life experiences, these are all MINE. I am not some chigga, some wannabe Asian thug, some suburban kid looking for street cred. I don't pretend to be "black", I'm not a byproduct of the ghetto, I'm not some awkward kid looking to stand out by embracing something normally seen as the polar opposite of Asianhood. I. Am. Me.
It makes me feel so awkward when I find myself defending what I like to supposed friends who genuinely question why I like the things I like. Does it matter? I didn't grow up impoverished, but I grew up around it for a time. I didn't do any dirt, but I had friends and family who did plenty. I saw enough. I lived through enough. Even if I didn't have any ties to this lifestyle, who the fuck are you to say that I shouldn't enjoy this culture? There's no neon sign that says only black people can enjoy these things. There are plenty of black people who DON'T enjoy these things, and enjoy things people associate with white culture. Does that make them any less black? Hardly. Does my taste in music and the way I talk make me any less Asian? No.
Why do I have to explain why I do the things I do. I'm not killing a puppy for shits, I'm listening to rap. I'm not masturbating furiously in public, I'm talking with a slight drawl and fewer complete words. I'm not fucking your mom, I'm watching BET. Who the fuck cares?
I started this post with the intention of explaining my background, but you know what? Why should I? Who are these people to criticize what I like, to even mention the race card? I enjoy it. I'm not doing it to look hard, or to look cool, or to pretend like I belong in a certain group. I'm a fat Asian kid who always wears two shirts and also listens to Backstreet Boys and hyperactive Asian pop.
Come on.
I hear that every now and then, from near strangers to close friends. It's delivered in different forms, but the meaning behind it is always the same. It makes me question quite a few things in life whenever I hear this, and the answers I arrive at are often unpleasant. I've tried to explain my take on the matter, but it seems nearly impossible to help people understand, as though they've already come to a conclusion about me. Maybe writing this all down will help illustrate my point better.
I'm my own person.
My habits, my dress, my musical tastes, my dialect, my life experiences, these are all MINE. I am not some chigga, some wannabe Asian thug, some suburban kid looking for street cred. I don't pretend to be "black", I'm not a byproduct of the ghetto, I'm not some awkward kid looking to stand out by embracing something normally seen as the polar opposite of Asianhood. I. Am. Me.
It makes me feel so awkward when I find myself defending what I like to supposed friends who genuinely question why I like the things I like. Does it matter? I didn't grow up impoverished, but I grew up around it for a time. I didn't do any dirt, but I had friends and family who did plenty. I saw enough. I lived through enough. Even if I didn't have any ties to this lifestyle, who the fuck are you to say that I shouldn't enjoy this culture? There's no neon sign that says only black people can enjoy these things. There are plenty of black people who DON'T enjoy these things, and enjoy things people associate with white culture. Does that make them any less black? Hardly. Does my taste in music and the way I talk make me any less Asian? No.
Why do I have to explain why I do the things I do. I'm not killing a puppy for shits, I'm listening to rap. I'm not masturbating furiously in public, I'm talking with a slight drawl and fewer complete words. I'm not fucking your mom, I'm watching BET. Who the fuck cares?
I started this post with the intention of explaining my background, but you know what? Why should I? Who are these people to criticize what I like, to even mention the race card? I enjoy it. I'm not doing it to look hard, or to look cool, or to pretend like I belong in a certain group. I'm a fat Asian kid who always wears two shirts and also listens to Backstreet Boys and hyperactive Asian pop.
Come on.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Bleh at the Weather
// Dreary weather can't dampen my excitement for Starcraft II though. As much as I loved the Protoss in the first one, Terran are growing on me in the beta for II. Get psyched, get hyped, get ready for a fucking fight. Cowboy up! \\
Starcraft II is coming. I can feel my free time bleeding away at the prospect of sitting in front of a computer monitor micromanaging my underlings and balancing my resource budget.
And by that I mean MMM rushing. >_> I'm still new to the beta, don't harsh my newbie tactics! Goddamn banelings...
Atlantic City is so abusive sometimes. Borgata likes playing with my emotions by letting me struggle to get in the green, then raping me in one fell swoop like I was some fresh meat in the state pen...
I suppose updating in class isn't the best of ideas, so I'm out for now. Whooooooooooo Modern Chinese history!
~ Kesshi, FXC
Starcraft II is coming. I can feel my free time bleeding away at the prospect of sitting in front of a computer monitor micromanaging my underlings and balancing my resource budget.
And by that I mean MMM rushing. >_> I'm still new to the beta, don't harsh my newbie tactics! Goddamn banelings...
Atlantic City is so abusive sometimes. Borgata likes playing with my emotions by letting me struggle to get in the green, then raping me in one fell swoop like I was some fresh meat in the state pen...
I suppose updating in class isn't the best of ideas, so I'm out for now. Whooooooooooo Modern Chinese history!
~ Kesshi, FXC
Friday, February 26, 2010
Still Awake
// Younha somewhat reminds me of Frou Frou's sound. Becoming more and more enamored with Korean artists with every new singer I find. Lovin the second album... \\
So it's been a while. Semi-quit my job, going back to school, trying to get my life back on track, etc, etc. And what better way to kick off a brand new start than going to see Utada in concert, not once, not twice, but thr-... no wait, twice. Yes.
Because of the kind efforts of a Boston cousin, I was able to land tickets for the Boston concert at Paradise in addition to the New York tickets at the Fillmore I had already scored. I'm really glad I was able to go to the Boston concert, because it was such an intimate setting, and Hikki was, aside from a Boku wa Kuma flub (which was really quite adorable), really on point and looked like she was having a ton of fun. Youtube the concert in Boston; a line friend got it all, and it's actually pretty good quality, although the sound is a bit meh.
Korean R&B has been surprising me left and right. Aside from Younha, I've been dabbling in a bit of Brown Eyed Girls and Gavy NJ, and it's all soooo soooo good. When I'm not feeling quite so lazy, I'll talk more about them. Until then, good night! Wish me luck on my exam in.... 6 hours and 43 minutes!
~ Kesshi, FXC
Because of the kind efforts of a Boston cousin, I was able to land tickets for the Boston concert at Paradise in addition to the New York tickets at the Fillmore I had already scored. I'm really glad I was able to go to the Boston concert, because it was such an intimate setting, and Hikki was, aside from a Boku wa Kuma flub (which was really quite adorable), really on point and looked like she was having a ton of fun. Youtube the concert in Boston; a line friend got it all, and it's actually pretty good quality, although the sound is a bit meh.
Korean R&B has been surprising me left and right. Aside from Younha, I've been dabbling in a bit of Brown Eyed Girls and Gavy NJ, and it's all soooo soooo good. When I'm not feeling quite so lazy, I'll talk more about them. Until then, good night! Wish me luck on my exam in.... 6 hours and 43 minutes!
~ Kesshi, FXC
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