Apparently if I hit enter when I'm typing the title, it'll submit the post as is. >_>
I'm not sure how to go about this. I know that the issue of self-confidence is a mind game; if I want something, I should go for it. I think too much about what I have to offer (or lack thereof), my appearances, whether I'll be received well or not, whether or not they already have a boyfriend, etc, etc... I know that I'm my own worst enemy, cliche cliche, and that I'll never be able to progress in life if I don't take risks, but...
It's poisonous, but I honestly don't think I can offer them anything aside from loyalty and a willingness to listen. And a lot of the shortcomings can be remedied, but even if none of those things were in the way, I still don't know if I can do good by them.
I'm not a brave man, and I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm also a lazy man, I guess, because I won't take the necessary steps to make it better.
I'm just so lonely nowadays, that it eats away at whatever happiness I can grasp in the world today.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
More Rambling
Stop trying to act black.
I hear that every now and then, from near strangers to close friends. It's delivered in different forms, but the meaning behind it is always the same. It makes me question quite a few things in life whenever I hear this, and the answers I arrive at are often unpleasant. I've tried to explain my take on the matter, but it seems nearly impossible to help people understand, as though they've already come to a conclusion about me. Maybe writing this all down will help illustrate my point better.
I'm my own person.
My habits, my dress, my musical tastes, my dialect, my life experiences, these are all MINE. I am not some chigga, some wannabe Asian thug, some suburban kid looking for street cred. I don't pretend to be "black", I'm not a byproduct of the ghetto, I'm not some awkward kid looking to stand out by embracing something normally seen as the polar opposite of Asianhood. I. Am. Me.
It makes me feel so awkward when I find myself defending what I like to supposed friends who genuinely question why I like the things I like. Does it matter? I didn't grow up impoverished, but I grew up around it for a time. I didn't do any dirt, but I had friends and family who did plenty. I saw enough. I lived through enough. Even if I didn't have any ties to this lifestyle, who the fuck are you to say that I shouldn't enjoy this culture? There's no neon sign that says only black people can enjoy these things. There are plenty of black people who DON'T enjoy these things, and enjoy things people associate with white culture. Does that make them any less black? Hardly. Does my taste in music and the way I talk make me any less Asian? No.
Why do I have to explain why I do the things I do. I'm not killing a puppy for shits, I'm listening to rap. I'm not masturbating furiously in public, I'm talking with a slight drawl and fewer complete words. I'm not fucking your mom, I'm watching BET. Who the fuck cares?
I started this post with the intention of explaining my background, but you know what? Why should I? Who are these people to criticize what I like, to even mention the race card? I enjoy it. I'm not doing it to look hard, or to look cool, or to pretend like I belong in a certain group. I'm a fat Asian kid who always wears two shirts and also listens to Backstreet Boys and hyperactive Asian pop.
Come on.
I hear that every now and then, from near strangers to close friends. It's delivered in different forms, but the meaning behind it is always the same. It makes me question quite a few things in life whenever I hear this, and the answers I arrive at are often unpleasant. I've tried to explain my take on the matter, but it seems nearly impossible to help people understand, as though they've already come to a conclusion about me. Maybe writing this all down will help illustrate my point better.
I'm my own person.
My habits, my dress, my musical tastes, my dialect, my life experiences, these are all MINE. I am not some chigga, some wannabe Asian thug, some suburban kid looking for street cred. I don't pretend to be "black", I'm not a byproduct of the ghetto, I'm not some awkward kid looking to stand out by embracing something normally seen as the polar opposite of Asianhood. I. Am. Me.
It makes me feel so awkward when I find myself defending what I like to supposed friends who genuinely question why I like the things I like. Does it matter? I didn't grow up impoverished, but I grew up around it for a time. I didn't do any dirt, but I had friends and family who did plenty. I saw enough. I lived through enough. Even if I didn't have any ties to this lifestyle, who the fuck are you to say that I shouldn't enjoy this culture? There's no neon sign that says only black people can enjoy these things. There are plenty of black people who DON'T enjoy these things, and enjoy things people associate with white culture. Does that make them any less black? Hardly. Does my taste in music and the way I talk make me any less Asian? No.
Why do I have to explain why I do the things I do. I'm not killing a puppy for shits, I'm listening to rap. I'm not masturbating furiously in public, I'm talking with a slight drawl and fewer complete words. I'm not fucking your mom, I'm watching BET. Who the fuck cares?
I started this post with the intention of explaining my background, but you know what? Why should I? Who are these people to criticize what I like, to even mention the race card? I enjoy it. I'm not doing it to look hard, or to look cool, or to pretend like I belong in a certain group. I'm a fat Asian kid who always wears two shirts and also listens to Backstreet Boys and hyperactive Asian pop.
Come on.
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