Don't Say Lazy

// Been getting back into anime recently, and just started watching K-On! Actually enjoying it immensely. It's cute, funny, and seems... real? in the sense that I can imagine real people acting like this. I thought it was going to be something ridiculously fan service-y and sugary, but it's quite watchable. The music is also damn catchy. \\

I miss the simple life that came with college. It had its ups and downs, and there were definitely bleak moments, but still, it was leaps and bounds better than the monotony of cafe life. It also meant I was out of the house, lol...

The idea of moving out is so massively appealing, but I should go continue my education at UMBC. Torn between striking out on my own, away from the problems of home life, versus reentering the college life. Yeah, school would take me away from home as well, but it's not quite the same when they're just a few minutes away... iunno, maybe I'm just being weird.

It's just been so hard pretending. Smiling and chatting like everything's okay, like the past is long forgotten and I've moved on. I can't be myself around them, and it's eating away at my sanity, every moment I spend faking happiness. The only real positive that's come from being at home for a prolonged period of time is that my relationship with my sister has improved dramatically. We get along so much better nowadays, and while that's in no small part due to the fact that she's reached an age where our interests and humor mesh better, I think it's also because we've been able to spend so much time together. I don't want to lose that, but at the same time I don't want to suddenly crack under the pressure again and cause a scene that I'd regret later.

It does feel like running away, but...

Onto less emo/whiny topics... K-On! What a fun anime so far. It reminds me of Azumanga Daioh, except with a more linear storyline (by that I mean not as random at times) and a musical slant. The characters are all very likeable, and so sooooo adorable! I know I tend to gush over everything minutely cute... it's probably something that's gone from silly little quirk to creepy old guy thing... >_> I'm really looking forward to watching the rest of the series when I have a bit more time to myself.

When the Seagulls Cry is another anime that I've begun to watch. Made by the same people behind Higurashi, it seems to share a lot of similar themes, but... it's not quite as engaging as Higurashi was for me. Iunno... we'll see how it goes with the next episode. Ah, I'm waiting for anime to come out on a week by week basis again! How nostalgic. ^_^;;

STILL WAITING FOR A GOOD QUALITY VERSION OF 2.0 TO SURFACE! T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T AAARGH, ASUKA, I LONG FOR YOOOOOU!

Delicious 1TB external, yay!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Decisions

// No real introduction for this music video. Faye's voice is just very pretty, and I need something to brighten up the gloom, even if it is a dramatic song. \\

Presented with the opportunity to escape the situation I've found myself in, a feeling of trepidation creeps in unbidden. Stay the course, stay strong, and stay focused...

After a long conversation with Ben and Ngoc, the possibility of moving out crept up. The idea of living in Texas isn't too appealing, considering the weather and the sheer distance from my current circle of friends, but let's be realistic. While I do adore my core set of acquaintances, I rarely spend any time with them, perhaps meeting up once a month or so for a brief drinking excursion or movie adventure. I wish we were closer, but we all have our commitments, and our interests often clash. Besides, they seem comfortable enough without me. I can always adapt to the weather/stay indoors hugging the A/C unit.

The issue of the brother does come up though, and it's a rather serious thing to contemplate. I love him, no doubt, but he brings problems to the table that are hardly dismissable. I don't know if I could handle it, his problems... it's hard enough handling it over the phone, I can't imagine dealing with it in person on even a weekly basis. I know I joke about dying early, but the stress from having to carry his burdens probably would shave off years from my already short stack.

Another option would be Wisconsin, but I don't quite know about that. Ben did offer first, and it would seem a bit rude to opt for someone else. But it's Wisconsin, and the presence of snow is so alluring. I don't know how well I'd fare outside of the metropolitan setting I'm used to, but I guess I'd adapt for a few years. The lack of asians might be a bit unsettling, but it's not like I'm looking for someone to settle down with up there; I just need a change of scenery for a while.

The problem with either option is that I'd be imposing and become a burden.

I feel too old to be doing this sort of stuff, but young enough that I can't quite establish my own roots. What should I do...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Losing My Grip

// I suppose since this was a demo, there wasn't an official music video made for it. Regardless, one of my favorite songs from the Cardigans, with the bass track being covered by minsatellites. \\

I suppose I'm not making enough of an effort, or that I don't bring anything interesting to the equation. I call occasionally, but I don't want to seem too pushy or desperate. It just seems like I'm drifting farther and farther away, and the more I flail against the current, the harder it is for me to keep afloat.

Is this even normal, feeling like this so often for so long. I thought perhaps it was just a phase, or just because of things happening at the moment. But I'm on vacation, I have one more day until I get to see the cousins again, I've got Otakon to look forward to, and romantic possibilities are on the horizon. And, despite it all, I still feel so...

In the end, it doesn't really matter, does it. No one particularly cares, and I can't especially blame them. Why would someone want to sit around and listen to me bitch for hours on end. I guess that's why I can't maintain friendships; I'm just not positive enough. I could force positivity, I suppose, but I do enough of that at work that it would defeat the purpose of having friends if I had to keep that facade going. It's not like I try to be a stick in the mud around people; quite the contrary, I try my hardest to be upbeat and funny, and perhaps I try too hard sometimes and come off weird. It just gets tiring after a while, and I let the happy mask slip.

I don't really think I can put how I'm feeling right now into text without rambling and not making much sense. Heh, I act like people actually read this. The perks of hiding in plain sight, people don't go looking for your shit.

"I Figured Out" from the Cardigans. The person in the video is a bassist covering the song's bass line. Whether or not the bassist in the video is a very cute trap is something that's occasionally crossed and occupied my mind. I like to think it's a girl. Hope it's a girl.

The whole not recording your face and dressing up in girl's clothing to make the viewer question the gender schtick is a bit annoying after a while...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Haziness & Alarm Clocks

// Dreaming, and singing, laughing, crying, and dancing, falling in love... \\

These dreams have been driving me crazy as of late. They've been so realistic, and even as the day wears on, I can still almost feel her touch, smell her scent upon my clothing... it felt so real that I just can't shake her out of my mind. Maybe I don't want it to fade away into obscurity. I just felt so... happy, and that sensation lingered for quite a while, even as I boarded the bus to work. The day went by in a hazy blur, the images in my mind, slowly deteriorating, still seemingly more real than the daily dredge of cafe work. The fantastic backdrops that normally occupy my wandering mind during sleep where absent; in its place something much simpler, much more grounded in reality arose. I found myself yearning for something with such intensity that I knew in my heart that it couldn't possibly be a dream, that something this vivid had to be what life was meant to be.

Waking up to the sounds of a cell phone slowly vibrating itself off the nearby desk as my alarm clock bleeped incessantly for me to get to work... it was heart-wrenching to leave that place I had found in my mind, that quiet little spot where I could breathe in clarity and know what it was like to have someone love you back, the worries of the world drifting away into those darker recesses of my mind, no longer relevant. I was happy, and I died a little when I realized what the cold world truly had in store for me.

It can't quite take me out of this funk, but I'm still gonna let Ms. Kaela try...

~ Kesshi, FXC