Lol, So I've Been Away For a Bit

Guess I've been neglecting this blog for a minute. But who really reads this, neh? :P

Going on a diet doesn't work too well without the willpower to back it up. But I think I've met my newest crush, so maybe that'll be motivation enough to get into gear. ^_^;; Gotta spiffy up the outfit a bit too, clean up the whole image. Get correct, get correct!

Aion's such a pretty looking game. Dunno if I wanna fall into the monthly subscription trap though. SOOOO PRETTY tho.

Net's pretty bad right now, so no video for now. Just wanted to post and say that I'm not dead! Yay!

Don't Say Lazy

// Been getting back into anime recently, and just started watching K-On! Actually enjoying it immensely. It's cute, funny, and seems... real? in the sense that I can imagine real people acting like this. I thought it was going to be something ridiculously fan service-y and sugary, but it's quite watchable. The music is also damn catchy. \\

I miss the simple life that came with college. It had its ups and downs, and there were definitely bleak moments, but still, it was leaps and bounds better than the monotony of cafe life. It also meant I was out of the house, lol...

The idea of moving out is so massively appealing, but I should go continue my education at UMBC. Torn between striking out on my own, away from the problems of home life, versus reentering the college life. Yeah, school would take me away from home as well, but it's not quite the same when they're just a few minutes away... iunno, maybe I'm just being weird.

It's just been so hard pretending. Smiling and chatting like everything's okay, like the past is long forgotten and I've moved on. I can't be myself around them, and it's eating away at my sanity, every moment I spend faking happiness. The only real positive that's come from being at home for a prolonged period of time is that my relationship with my sister has improved dramatically. We get along so much better nowadays, and while that's in no small part due to the fact that she's reached an age where our interests and humor mesh better, I think it's also because we've been able to spend so much time together. I don't want to lose that, but at the same time I don't want to suddenly crack under the pressure again and cause a scene that I'd regret later.

It does feel like running away, but...

Onto less emo/whiny topics... K-On! What a fun anime so far. It reminds me of Azumanga Daioh, except with a more linear storyline (by that I mean not as random at times) and a musical slant. The characters are all very likeable, and so sooooo adorable! I know I tend to gush over everything minutely cute... it's probably something that's gone from silly little quirk to creepy old guy thing... >_> I'm really looking forward to watching the rest of the series when I have a bit more time to myself.

When the Seagulls Cry is another anime that I've begun to watch. Made by the same people behind Higurashi, it seems to share a lot of similar themes, but... it's not quite as engaging as Higurashi was for me. Iunno... we'll see how it goes with the next episode. Ah, I'm waiting for anime to come out on a week by week basis again! How nostalgic. ^_^;;

STILL WAITING FOR A GOOD QUALITY VERSION OF 2.0 TO SURFACE! T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T AAARGH, ASUKA, I LONG FOR YOOOOOU!

Delicious 1TB external, yay!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Decisions

// No real introduction for this music video. Faye's voice is just very pretty, and I need something to brighten up the gloom, even if it is a dramatic song. \\

Presented with the opportunity to escape the situation I've found myself in, a feeling of trepidation creeps in unbidden. Stay the course, stay strong, and stay focused...

After a long conversation with Ben and Ngoc, the possibility of moving out crept up. The idea of living in Texas isn't too appealing, considering the weather and the sheer distance from my current circle of friends, but let's be realistic. While I do adore my core set of acquaintances, I rarely spend any time with them, perhaps meeting up once a month or so for a brief drinking excursion or movie adventure. I wish we were closer, but we all have our commitments, and our interests often clash. Besides, they seem comfortable enough without me. I can always adapt to the weather/stay indoors hugging the A/C unit.

The issue of the brother does come up though, and it's a rather serious thing to contemplate. I love him, no doubt, but he brings problems to the table that are hardly dismissable. I don't know if I could handle it, his problems... it's hard enough handling it over the phone, I can't imagine dealing with it in person on even a weekly basis. I know I joke about dying early, but the stress from having to carry his burdens probably would shave off years from my already short stack.

Another option would be Wisconsin, but I don't quite know about that. Ben did offer first, and it would seem a bit rude to opt for someone else. But it's Wisconsin, and the presence of snow is so alluring. I don't know how well I'd fare outside of the metropolitan setting I'm used to, but I guess I'd adapt for a few years. The lack of asians might be a bit unsettling, but it's not like I'm looking for someone to settle down with up there; I just need a change of scenery for a while.

The problem with either option is that I'd be imposing and become a burden.

I feel too old to be doing this sort of stuff, but young enough that I can't quite establish my own roots. What should I do...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Losing My Grip

// I suppose since this was a demo, there wasn't an official music video made for it. Regardless, one of my favorite songs from the Cardigans, with the bass track being covered by minsatellites. \\

I suppose I'm not making enough of an effort, or that I don't bring anything interesting to the equation. I call occasionally, but I don't want to seem too pushy or desperate. It just seems like I'm drifting farther and farther away, and the more I flail against the current, the harder it is for me to keep afloat.

Is this even normal, feeling like this so often for so long. I thought perhaps it was just a phase, or just because of things happening at the moment. But I'm on vacation, I have one more day until I get to see the cousins again, I've got Otakon to look forward to, and romantic possibilities are on the horizon. And, despite it all, I still feel so...

In the end, it doesn't really matter, does it. No one particularly cares, and I can't especially blame them. Why would someone want to sit around and listen to me bitch for hours on end. I guess that's why I can't maintain friendships; I'm just not positive enough. I could force positivity, I suppose, but I do enough of that at work that it would defeat the purpose of having friends if I had to keep that facade going. It's not like I try to be a stick in the mud around people; quite the contrary, I try my hardest to be upbeat and funny, and perhaps I try too hard sometimes and come off weird. It just gets tiring after a while, and I let the happy mask slip.

I don't really think I can put how I'm feeling right now into text without rambling and not making much sense. Heh, I act like people actually read this. The perks of hiding in plain sight, people don't go looking for your shit.

"I Figured Out" from the Cardigans. The person in the video is a bassist covering the song's bass line. Whether or not the bassist in the video is a very cute trap is something that's occasionally crossed and occupied my mind. I like to think it's a girl. Hope it's a girl.

The whole not recording your face and dressing up in girl's clothing to make the viewer question the gender schtick is a bit annoying after a while...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Haziness & Alarm Clocks

// Dreaming, and singing, laughing, crying, and dancing, falling in love... \\

These dreams have been driving me crazy as of late. They've been so realistic, and even as the day wears on, I can still almost feel her touch, smell her scent upon my clothing... it felt so real that I just can't shake her out of my mind. Maybe I don't want it to fade away into obscurity. I just felt so... happy, and that sensation lingered for quite a while, even as I boarded the bus to work. The day went by in a hazy blur, the images in my mind, slowly deteriorating, still seemingly more real than the daily dredge of cafe work. The fantastic backdrops that normally occupy my wandering mind during sleep where absent; in its place something much simpler, much more grounded in reality arose. I found myself yearning for something with such intensity that I knew in my heart that it couldn't possibly be a dream, that something this vivid had to be what life was meant to be.

Waking up to the sounds of a cell phone slowly vibrating itself off the nearby desk as my alarm clock bleeped incessantly for me to get to work... it was heart-wrenching to leave that place I had found in my mind, that quiet little spot where I could breathe in clarity and know what it was like to have someone love you back, the worries of the world drifting away into those darker recesses of my mind, no longer relevant. I was happy, and I died a little when I realized what the cold world truly had in store for me.

It can't quite take me out of this funk, but I'm still gonna let Ms. Kaela try...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Musical Tastes (Part IV: Pop/Guilty Pleasures)

Yeah, so I'm not going to pretend to be some cultured music connoisseur who only listens to the cream of the crop, not sullying my pallet by partaking of the opiate of the masses. Quite to the contrary, I dive right in! It's good to listen to something fresh and upbeat every so often, something you can sing along to while glancing nervously about for someone who might spot you and mock your nerdiness.

BoA: Yeah, she could've easily been clumped in with the R&B group, but she comes off as much more of a pop sensation to me than anything else. Whatever, she's hot, has catchy vocals and catchy melodies, and that's all that really matters, right? "Moto."



.melody: Another artist I found out about through listening to m-flo. She has such a pleasant voice, and is quite the looker. Yeah, she probably should be classified as R&B, but it's 5am right now, and I'm tired. "Born 2 Luv U."



Wonder Girls: Alright, guilty pleasure. It's so mind-numbingly catchy... @_@ "Nobody."



Ugh... I'm tired. I might follow-up on this tomorrow, iunno. Why the fuck did I stay up for 6 hours...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Musical Tastes (Part III: R&B)

It's somewhat hard to separate Asian singers into specific subgroups, because so many of them tend to crossover into a variety of genres. The next few artists I'm classifying as R&B will more often than not have a few songs that are decidedly not R&B in flavor, but for the most part will have either the majority of their music conform to the R&B image, or have had their roots in R&B (although they may have subsequently branched out).

Utada Hikaru: Oh Hikki... there are no words to describe how much I love her. My favorite artist of all-time... even with those songs that will not be mentioned here marring my eardrums... She had her roots in R&B, with a soulful English album that served to catapult her to the top of the Asian music scene. Although her style has decidedly evolved into something more experimental at times, it hasn't yet fallen in quality, and only seems to be getting better with every year.

Fuck it, I'm posting more than one video for Hikki. "Sakura Drops."



"Beautiful World."



"Hikari."



"First Love."



"Wait and See."



Okay, so I might be an Utada fanboy. >_> On with the rest...

Emi Hinouchi: It infuriates me that she's not a bigger star in the Asian music scene. She has such a wonderful voice that manages to convey a sense of strength to the listener while still remaining delicate. You can hear her emotions spilling out on her slow songs, and her upbeat tracks invigorate the soul. "Only Love."

愛だけが


Mika Nakashima: Yes, she's more jazz than R&B, but whatever, the two genres are related enough for me to justify putting her here. Besides, I don't really know any other jazz artists... >_> "Aishiteru."



Faye Wong: Not quite R&B either, but it's definitely not pop, at least as far as I understand what pop is. She has such a hauntingly beautiful voice that it's hard for me to shrug off what her singing does to me. Her English is also really damn good, at least in her songs. Posting two of her songs for comparison. "Hero."



"Eyes on Me."



Chae Yeon: This woman embodies sexy. Helps that the music is damn catchy too. "Two of Us."



Bonnie Pink: I'm running out of English to describe these singers, and that's terrible, considering I want to write... I need to go back to school, or buy myself a thesaurus... whatever, I just really really like her stuff. "Water Me."



Seo In Young: She has such potential. I wish she had put out more ballad-type songs than she did. Oh well, I'm content with her up-tempo tracks for now, and the occasional slow song. "I Want You."



Bennie K: Two sexy girls, one rapping, one singing. What more do you want! "Sunrise."



Hn... Pop next!

And yeah, I'm gonna clump BoA into pop. WHATEV, WHATEV, DUNT CURR.

~ Kesshi, FXC

Musical Tastes (Part II: Rock)

Sadly, rock is one of those genres that I haven't really explored much of in the Asian music scene. I do have a few bands that I absolutely adore though, so let's work with that first, shall we?

Kagrra: I don't really know where to start. From Isshi's strange lilting vocals to the haunting melodies, Kagrra's body of work is impressive, and contains a surprising amount of variety. Not content to stay with one "sound", their albums contain a myriad of sounds and tempos that can satisfy a wide range of rock enthusiasts. Let's try out "Satsuki."



The Gazette: I love his voice so much. The songs are so catchy, and are a bit... grungier, heavier sounding than Kagrra. Here's "Filth in the Beauty."



the pillows: I'm so pissed I missed catching their New York performance all those years ago. >_< Such happy, peaceful music! "Hybrid Rainbow."



L'Arc~en~Ciel: Saw them in concert at Otakon 2004 and fell in love. Hyde's got such an epic ballad-type voice... although his english accent leaves a lot to be desired. Cracked up so hard at the concert when he tried to ask us if we liked crabs. XD "Kasou."



F.I.R.: Such a pretty vocalist frontwoman. I love her voice so much! Amazing chinese band. "Lydia."



I know I'm forgetting a few groups here... but whatever.

Next come the pretty girls! I promise!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Musical Tastes (Part I: Hip-Hop)

A friend recently asked for a few asian musical suggestions, so I thought I'd sift through my iPod and recommend a few tidbits that I personally enjoy. Gonna break it down into genre, with one additional genre I'm gonna call embarassing. Lesse...

Let's start off with hip-hop, shall we?

I've been really impressed with the hip-hop scene in South Korea as of late. I had mostly stayed within the English speaking realm of things, considering that the lyrical content in rap is the most important aspect of the track, beats and flow secondary (at least in my eyes). However, I couldn't help but get drawn into the Korean rap scene after reacquainting myself with Drunken Tiger and finding other impressive acts. The sound is just so raw at times; unlike the American market right now, which is saturated with a third-rate sound and even worse lyrical content, Korea's stepped up the quality with meaningful lyrics and a sound that is at times gritty but powerful, or smooth and refined.

Of course, there are plenty of other good asian rappers out there; the whole spiel on Korea was just me rambling on about my latest fixation, is all.

Drunken Tiger: Even with Tiger JK going solo in the later albums, the strength behind the lyrical flow is still there, and I cannot think of a better way to introduce someone to Korean rap. I posted 8:45 Heaven in an earlier entry, so let's put up one of their earlier works instead, "Do You Know Hip-Hop."



Thai Ngo: One of my favorite Vietnamese rappers, although he can sometimes come off sounding more than a bit... fobby. ^_^;; This man has a crazy flow... "Around My Town."



MC Sniper: I don't really know what else to say except... well, damn. That 7 minute collab track he did with those other Korean rappers is epic as fuck. There's probably a better way to say that, but whatever. "Better Than Yesterday."



Outsider: Fastest Korean rapper alive! One of the fastest in the world, if not the fastest. You can really hear it on this song. "Alone."



m-flo: I absolutely adore their <3 series of collaborations. This is fun hip-hop at its best. Their songs just put me in such a good mood. The fact that their collab songs introduce me to great singers I might not have previously heard about is an awesome bonus. "Summertime Love."



Honorable mention: Jin. First Asian rapper signed onto an American label. His first studio album wasn't very impressive, but I did enjoy his freestyles. Check him out if you're so inclined.

Those are just a few Asian artists that I enjoy (and that readily come to mind).

I'm thinking... rock next.

~ Kesshi, FXC

Happy Rebuild 2.0 Day!

// My musical collection of guilty pleasures is growing exponentially... gee gee gee gee baby baby baby... \\

Once again, I find my nerdy self wishing I was based in Japan. Rebuild 2.0 just came out today in Japanese theaters, and while the pirate in me is looking around for a leak, the realist in me knows it'll be more than a few months until we're going to see an okay quality rip online. *Sigh* I'd settle for a shaky cam right now, just to get my Evangelion fix. I know that sounds more than a bit fanboyish, but I want to see how the story is going to chaaaaaaange! Gimme gimme gimme...

SNSD's "Gee" song is soooo catchy; ever since I saw the video I can't stop listening to it. Damn you, catchy Korean tunes!

Looking forward to the BBQ day in DC tomorrow. Om nom nom nom...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Oh Holy Crap, It's The 17th...

// Such a tight track. Finally got a man reppin PGC! DC chillin, PG chillin... \\

Man, time's blurring by.

Alcohol tolerance is slipping. Without the weekly Friday binges, it's taking less and less for me to start feeling buzzed. On the flip side, I don't have to spend that much money anymore for drinks...

Saw Drag Me to Hell and loved it. Brought back horror in a way that embraced the hokey cliches with self-conscious class and good humor. It was one of the best movie experiences I've had to date, and I'm not normally a horror genre fan. Good ol' Sam Raimi...

Loved this song the moment I heard it, and the best part is that he's a local! Such a tight flow, and got some funny lyrics. Hoping to see him break out and do it big.

~ Kesshi, FXC

Happier Things

// He has something of a country twang to his voice, but it's pleasant enough to listen to, and he has a nice voice for the music he's putting out there. David Choi, everyone. Thinking about picking up the album to see what else this guy has to offer. \\

I was going to post my recounting of that night's events, but I just felt like I needed something a bit happier to talk about. Dwelling on it too much is getting to me, and I'm just not in a place where I need that sort of thing.

The Borgata trip was fun, although I was something of an awkward cow in the car. We were reading fuck my life submissions, and I thought I'd add my own little fml by telling them about the mugging, but in a slightly whimsical style. Heh, it didn't quite come off the way I had intended, and the condolences rolled out, followed by a much needed Wawa restroom break. Air out the awkwardness!

I came out on top this time around, and I have to admit, it feels NICE coming out positive. The rooms we had were deliciously swanky, with Josh and I sharing a corner room with a double-door bathroom and an awesome view of the casino strip in Atlantic City. Wonderful.

The amount of money they gamble with is often mind boggling. I hope I'll get to that level of comfort with money soon. It'd be nice to make more than a pittance at work. Go go grad school!

New person at work is nice. Fun to talk to someone that still has that easygoing college vibe. Revitalizes the soul, hanging out with someone who doesn't yet seem that jaded by the weight of the world.

Twenty more days until 2.0! :D Hopefully this'll revitalize the anime scene, and not fall to wayside as just another way to milk the franchise.

Listen to this asian boy croon. It's not half bad.

~ Kesshi, FXC

Gambling the Time Away

// It's beautiful. There's really not much else I can say about Faye's voice. Of all the songs I have ever heard in my life, her cover of 千言萬語 is one of the very few I can listen to over and over again and still be able to enjoy every single second of it. \\

Valve is coming out with Left 4 Dead 2 this fall, which is pretty exciting news. From the trailer at www.lrd.com it seems like there will be an assortment of new weapons, including a chainsaw and a frying pan. I can just imagine braining a hunter with a cooking utensil. ^_^ Maybe they'll include more playable zombies in the sequel. The tank looked a bit deformed, although it could just be an aesthetic design change and not so much an actual class alteration.

Been reading the strips at www.threepanelsoul.com recently. Quite a few of the works had me giggling like an idiot.

Planning on going to the Borgata this Thursday and Friday. Hopefully I won't blow all my cash this time around. It'll just be nice to see some old friends again. Between living and working far away and not having a car, I haven't had much opportunity to hang out with a lot of my old college friends anymore. It's a bit saddening, but I suppose that's life, right? Losing yourself in a job you don't really care about and coming home to nothing, sitting alone in your room wondering where it all went wrong? SOMETHING like that I guess. :x

Work friend is going to Japan on the JET program. Sad to see him go; he was such a pleasant co-worker, and we could hold random conversations about this and that. Don't really have many of those kinds of people at work. Jealous that he's able to do this. Hopefully I can figure out a way to stow away in one of his bags...

Faye Wong's rendition of Teresa Tang's 千言萬語 is... there really is no way for me to adequately describe how it makes me feel. I had dabbled a bit in Faye's music before, but she hadn't quite solidified her position in my top 5 until I stumbled upon this live track. It captured my heart, and maybe it spoiled me for future slow songs, because I don't think anything I've heard after this has ever really measured up.

我爱你,

~ Kesshi, FXC

For Just A Few Days

... Can't I be a little selfish, or is that already too much to ask, and I should just get over being held up and resume life like nothing happened?

Calm the Nerves

// I just need something to calm the nerves right now. Because all I can really feel right now is angry, and I don't think that's the normal reaction for these sorts of situations. Hopefully Emi can help soothe the raging heart... \\

Getting mugged should probably illicit more of a fearful response than it did from me last night.

I missed my metro stop and ended up in Glenmont Metro Station. Since it was almost 1am, I decided to hoof it home. Three black teens are close behind me, but they're idly chatting amongst themselves, so I don't think anything about it. One of them even bums a cigarette off me, so I'm a bit at ease. After about ten minutes walking, I cross the street, hoping to maybe catch a bus home instead of walking the rest of the way.

All I hear for a warning is someone running up behind me. I turn to look and maybe get out of the way when the fucker swings down with his gun and cracks me on the side of the head. Blood immediately started to gush, and I crouched low to cover my head and try to stop the bleeding, cussing all the while. The guy rummages through my pockets and lifts my iPod, cigarettes, and bag, and points the gun in my face, demanding my money. I tell him aight and continue cussing as I hand him my wallet. Fucker runs off giggling like the shit he is and rejoins his friends across the street, and they take off.

All I can really see now is blood flowing everywhere and the hazy lights from a nearby gas station. I stand there for a second, sorting through the emotions swirling about in my head, and finally settle on one. I straighten up and scream fuck at the top of my lungs before I start trudging towards the gas station. People driving by slow down and peer out curiously at the bloody fat asian marching through traffic, but no one stops and sees what the matter is. I guess they shouldn't, really. Bloody man might rob them or give them AIDS.

Get to the gas station and ask the attendant if I could use his phone. He shakes his head vigorously and directs me to the police station, which, funnily enough, is only half a block away. Fuck me, I got mugged near a police station. At this point the blood's blanketed my right arm and doused my front with a generous coat, soaking through the front into the undershirt. I manage to flag down a passing cop car and the report starts. They find the fuckers and most of my stuff, although they couldn't retrieve my metro card. Whatever.

Six hours and a hospital visit later, I have five sutures and a tetanus shot to my name, and a feeling of just straight emptiness.

Sing for me Emi...

~ Kesshi, FXC

A Bit of Relaxation

// Musical versatility is always a plus. Jazzy infusions doubly so. Really feeling Scanty Blues, the debut track from Meg in 2002. Such a chill song...\\

Is it somewhat bad that I'm happy management's cutting my hours back slightly? In order to avoid having to give me full-time status (and therefore pay me more and give me benefits that come with FT), management has decided to scale back both mine and my co-workers' hours back down to just below the minimum for FT, keeping us part-time. While the loss of money will be painful, I'm hoping I can at least get my Friday nights back again. :3

Think positive!

... a lololololol...

~ Kesshi, FXC

A Break From The Norm

No music today. Just an update on Team Fortress 2, one of my favorite FPS's of all time. Sniper and Spy got content updates! Yay!

Here're their video introductions.

~ Kesshi, FXC

Insomnia: Ramblings II

// It's all because of you, I'm feeling sad and blue. You went away, now my life is just a rainy day. I love you so, how much you'll never know. You've gone away and left me lonely... if only you were here, you'd wash away my tears, and the sun would shine, and once again you'd be mine, all mine. But in reality, our love will never be, 'cause you took your love away from me... \\

It feels so unreal, especially when I look over my old writings, old forums, old drafts. How time flies.

It's somewhat amusing that as I get older, my creativity progressively deteriorates. Sure, the old works were raw and at times incoherent, but at least I was putting pen to paper and venturing forth. Now it feels as though I can't even manage to formulate a simple haiku without coming off... well, like a pretentious douche. Either that, or what I'll manage to churn out will be barely better than your average second grade book report.

Life was different back then. It was harder in some respects, but even though the pain was unbearable at times, at least I had my best friend to commiserate with. She was my motivation, my muse, my confidant, my balance in life, at one point, close to my everything. But misinterpretations, parental interference, and an assortment of other incidents... it broke my heart, knowing how much pain I was putting her through. I didn't want to be the source of any grief in her life, since she had been so good to me for so long. So I took myself out of the picture.

Maybe it was too drastic of a decision, and it did leave me feeling so lost, adrift in life without someone there to lean on. I should've been strong enough to endure, but... I don't know, I suppose I felt as though it was all over. I tried to rebuild, but everything I touched seemed to crumble, and usually because of my own glaring faults. I can't blame everything on someone else. At some point, I failed myself, and I never recovered.

Insomnia's bad for me. Makes me start to qq about random vague bullshit that I never want to go into detail about. I should just get ready for work and take the long route there so I can sleep a bit.

~ Kesshi, FXC

Sleepy // Korean BoA This Time

// Oh BoA, you're so smexy... if only your english was a tad bit better, I could enjoy your new American album better. As it is though, the fobby accent's killin the experience for me... =/ Lovin the dancin in the new vids though. Puts a lot of American artists to shame. \\

Man, it'd be so nice to be back in school right now, when the days were filled with only a few hours of lecture and maybe an hour or two of actual work. I miss those leisurely days.

Eh, whatever, fobby accent aside, I'd still love to have her eat me up... :3

I'm hoping that Hikki and BoA's arrival on the American scene will usher in an influx of asian talent into the music industry. There's so much good stuff overseas, but it tends not to branch out so much in the English speaking nations (otaku fanbase aside). Moar exposure!

At the very least, hopefully people will start paying more attention to the music scene in Asia...

Short post, tired, sleep sleep time.

~ Kesshi, FXC

(Including a version of the Eat You Up video with more dancing, less theatrics)

Ramblings

// The album on the whole is a bit strange for my tastes, but I did enjoy the acoustic rendition of Duvet immensely. She has such a lovely voice, and the instrumental accompaniment is wonderfully understated, providing a gentle background for Jasmine to play around in. \\

Afraid to jump on in. It's always in the back of my mind, that voice of hesitation. It's why it's so easy to front and pretend I'm something I'm not. But it's been so long that I'm afraid I've forgotten what the truth really is. Layers of deception and masks, misleads and confidence plays, an intricate web of half-truths and self-pity, all of it smothering the truth, my identity. But then, isn't THAT who I really am, a lost mind so involved in the deception that I've made these persona a part of me, aspects of my psyche? They not only shape me, they define who I am now, those past events, those fronts, everything, and I know that's not a good thing, hardly healthy, but what can I do now? Throw it all away like so much rubbish and start anew? What'll be left when I get to the core, will there be anything there to be proud of?

It's the pain in life that gives us character and shapes the course of our lives. It shouldn't, however, ever define one's existence. We look to the future and we prosper, we grow as human beings, because we are not mired in the past. At least, that's how it should be.

So why, when I understand all this, know how unhealthy it is to do what I do, why do I still do it? Why can't I just let go? This isn't what life is supposed to be like.

I've lived a million lifetimes and more within my mind, but I've barely done anything outside that prison to justify my own existence. A vivid imagination can only compensate for so much, and I've nothing to show for all my thoughts except random dribble strung together, ignored and soon to be forgotten.

I'm dreading tomorrow's work day. Meaningless job...
~ Kesshi, FXC

Why Am I Still Awake...

// I suppose I could blame it partially on Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake for their hilarious song dedicated to Mother's Day. I COULD... but I won't... I guess... for now... dot dot dot...\\

Having such a hard time getting to sleep on time nowadays. Internal clock must be skewed halfway to hell or something...

Chinese and Japanese home lessons are going as well as I expected, I guess. My memory's so terrible though; I can barely remember anything I learn. I suppose through constant repetition I'll get it. Maybe I just need total immersion. Hn, excursion to Japan? Seems like that'd be fun, in a "lol I can't even begin to imagine how I would afford to go there, let alone find a place to live and settle there for an extended amount of time" sorta way.

Role playing online is actually more fun than I thought it would be. I get to read other people's writing, and it's actually pretty good (for the most part). I feel embarassed sometimes by the caliber of their writing, and because of that spend an inordinant amount of time on my small posts. I need a consistent beta reader that I won't get pissy at... or maybe I just need to reign in my insecurities and not get so defensive when people suggest writing tips. :x Maybe maybe...

A small departure from the normal trend. Enjoy and Happy (belated) Mother's Day! (will probably have to update this later in the month with the official video link)

~ Kesshi, FXC

That Beautiful Flow

// It's a shame that the hip hop scene is represented by so many idiots and bad artists that people generalize and paint the whole genre as noise. You just have to sift through the rubble to find the diamonds in the rough; sometimes, you have to go a bit farther than you'd think... \\

I wonder why people tend to question the existence of pain, as though it doesn't make sense that a God who supposedly loves us would do such a terrible thing like allow suffering. If life was being in a state of constant bliss and euphoria, with nothing to dampen our hearts and minds, how then could we appreciate how beautiful life really is?

8:45 Heaven. A pleasant departure from all that swag talk that's become to new annoying catchy thing to say OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. I don't really know how to go about describing this song. It's undoubtedly laden with such raw emotion that, even before I read the translation, tears threatened to well up unbidden as I sat there listening to the track. You can hear Tiger JK just let loose on the track with his sorrow and frustration at the loss of his grandmother, and nothing in it sounds hollow or forced. People talk down about Drunken Tiger's music since DJ Shine's departure from the group, but JK proves that he's a strong solo artist here with this baring of his heart and soul for all to see.

It's not your normal rap fare, but diversity is a good thing, especially in the musical community. It vitalizes the scene, keeps things from becoming stale, repetitive. It's also another indication that the hip hop community worldwide should turn their attentions away from mainly focusing on the United States, which has fallen into such a slump as of late, and perhaps look abroad. Talent is international.

Getting my posting... SWAG... on... <_<;;

~ Kesshi, FXC

Lazy Days Off

// Nico Nico Douga Medley + Perpetual Mario = Pure Win. \\

Holy mother of God, that was the best eleven minutes of my life.

... no, if that was true, I'd have probably killed myself by now. But it was good. Undeniably good.

......... I'm talking about the Perpetual Mario video set to the Nico Nico Douga Medley.... what do YOU think I'm talking about?

I'm in a mood. I can't accurately describe it as a good one, but it's not entirely bad. Definitely a humming, oh hey I might take some allergy medication and walk around later tonight kind of mood.

Nothing's really coming to mind today. Day off, nothing to complain about, nothing to talk about. Maybe I'll update a bit later. Until then!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Dreams Are Sneaky Little Assholes

// For some strange reason, the acoustic version always sounds better to me. Maybe because it sounds realer to me, more emotional since they stripped away all the frills. All that's left is the heart and soul of the song. No fuss, no muss, no distractions. \\

So I went out on a limb today, decided to test the waters and see what would happen. Heh, I suppose I should have known she'd be spoken for. Wishful thinking, Kess, wishful thinking. Love life = dead on arrival. At least I managed to figure it out without being blatantly obvious about my intentions. Sneaky... =.=;;

This job's chipping away at me. It's not the fact that it's hard, that it's boring, or that it pays shit, although those do contribute to the weariness. I just... it's not what I want to do, and that might come off as childish, but fuck it. Even when I was a janitor, that job didn't wear on me like this one those. It was my first job, and it was a hard job, and I was proud of it, proud of the effort it made me exert. This job though... I can't accurately describe how it makes me feel... I just feel so... numb? inside.

On the train ride home one night after work, I spent nearly half an hour just staring blankly into space. No thoughts flitted through my mind, no music was pumping through my headphones, I wasn't dozing off. I just sat there and stared, and didn't realize what I was doing until I was nearly home. Seven months have come and gone, and all I have to show for it are coffee stains on my shirts and a pittance on every paycheck stub.

I know I don't have it that bad, and that makes the situation all the more frustrating, because I feel like a douche for complaining, but I feel like if I don't vent some of this frustration that it'll eat me up inside.

Whatever, enough whining for now...

Dreaming that you came to work early and decided to take a nap on the breakroom couch, only to awaken to your manager calling you, saying you're over an hour late.... it's a shitty feeling. Even moreso because, somewhere deep inside, your brain knew what time it was and decided to fuck with you a little.

Asshole brain...

~ Kesshi, FXC

Coffee Stank

// Smelling like coffee and cigarettes, unwinding after a grueling day at the cafe. What I wouldn't give right now for a desk job. And maybe concert tickets to see F.I.R. in concert. 真愛地圖 (Map of True Love) is such a pretty song. Love the whole album... <3 \\

I wonder why people spend so much money on coffee and expresso-related drinks everyday. I can understand needing a pick me up to stay awake for whatever reason, but dropping 4-5 dollars on a drink seems a bit much. I know I shouldn't complain, since their business lets me keep my job, but one has to wonder sometimes about the luxuries people take for granted on the daily.

Rebuild 2.0 is coming out soon! While by no means an Eva fanboy, I did enjoy the series for the most part, and was pleased that the first Rebuild movie worked to iron out a few kinks from the TV show. Shinji just comes off as more relatable in the Rebuild movie, having developed something resembling a spine over the years of media inactivity, while still staying within the role of a depressed 14 year old dealing with abandonment issues. It's nice to be able to revisit the franchise and see visible improvements that add to and compliment the story. I'm glad they didn't decide to go with a total reboot, and instead chose to merely flesh out and better portray what they had.

The new cast member is something I'm a bit wary about, but I'll try and keep an open mind. I know they want to go a different direction with the ending, and I'm not hurting over that. Maybe they needed something more for that ending, and the new pilot (I'm assuming she's a new pilot) might be the key. Reserving judgment and guessing until I see the finished material. The wait, though, it's so painful sometimes! XD

Taking one of those home kits for learning Chinese and Japanese right now. If anything, I should PROBABLY take a Vietnamese language course right now, but whatever, I understand enough and can speak enough to survive. I want something new!

Movie time with the sister and aunt, so I'm going to cut this post short. Perhaps a bit more later folks!

~ Kesshi, FXC

Exhaustion Setting In, Must Finish Organizing Moosak!

// Enjoying Ikimono Gakari's Sakura song immensely right now, although perhaps something a bit more hype is in order soon. Hard to stave off the urge to sleep with this kind of music... \\

Liquor before beer, nothing to fear. Beer before liquor, get messed up quicker. Something like that... Unfortunately, slamming both back in tandem may yield unfortunate results. 151 + Steel Reserve = bad times. Glad I thought better of drinking heavily at a party when I had work the following morning. Besides, sipping on a few Hard Lemonades, while a bit emasculating, is a much more preferable option to throwing up on the lawn and getting the spins for the rest of the night.

Birthday party for a few friends in Baltimore was fun. Saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in quite a while, some shenanigans abounded, and on the whole, it seemed as though everyone had a nice time, although there were a few alcohol-related casualties... <_<;;>ヱヴァンゲリヲン新劇場版:破)

Here's to hoping that the wait was worth it! :D Too tired right now to go into depth about the Rebuild movies. Will catch some Zs, get to work, come back home, and ramble on and on about the movies later!

I Do (Not) Want To Go To Work... T_T

~ Kesshi, FXC

Good Morning Maryland...

// Quietly soaking in the beautiful trills of Ms. Utada (singing on a track with her mother: It's a shame I don't know the name of the song ) while pondering various thoughts that flit to the forefront of my mind. \\

To any errant visitors that happened to stumble upon this page, thank you for visiting. I'm not quite sure what to do with this blog as of yet, but it seems like something interesting to maintain.

Let's get down to the nitty gritty, shall we?

• I'm a huge music fan, and enjoy a variety of genres that range from the jazz stylings of Japanese artist Mika Nakashima to gangsta rap forerunners like Bone Thugs N Harmony.
  
• I enjoy anime and manga, although I haven't read or watched much in the past few years. I'm a sucker for those sappy romances and silly comedies, with the occasional mecha thrown in for good measure.
  
• I adore reading, and find losing myself in the words to be something akin to pure bliss.
  
• I enjoy a variety of video games, and can sometimes be found wandering aimlessly in the terribly addictive World of Warcraft, and at other times vying for that next achievement in Team Fortress 2.
• I enjoy writing... and by enjoy, I mean I wish I could write, although I normally just end up frustrated with any attempt I embark on to put pen to paper and scribble out something meaningful.
  

Hopefully I'll be seeing you again sometime soon. Thanks again for stopping by.

~ Kesshi, FXC